For you PBS geeks out there like me, don't forget to watch the new "Colonial House" starting next Monday. If it's as good at "1900 House, "Frontier House," "Manor House," and "1940's House," then it will be great!

So, it's a rainy night and I've got the blues. It actually may turn to snow overnight, believe it or not. Usually, "I'm only happy when it rains" as the song goes. But today I feel like doing a little emotional wallowing. So, get ready to join the pity party.

I have harped on this subject before but it is at the forefront of my mind so I will address it again.

Recently, someone close to me told me it was embarrassing to go out with me because I am so fat. Now, you should never have to hear something like this from anyone close to you. Or anyone at all for that matter. So, the comment really hurt. I don't think I'm overly heavy but I am sensitive about my weight gain. In the past, I have always looked in the mirror and seen a size 8. Even when I was a size 10. Maybe I had some sort of kind inner image filter. But now, I look in the mirror and see myself as I am. I finally caught sight of my bum in a tri-fold mirror today and was shocked into silence. I knew it was getting bigger but not that big! Add this little revelation to the fat comment and my self-esteem is pretty much in the toilet right now. I am the heaviest of my friends and what makes it even worse is that one friend in particular always goes on about how fat she is. And she's the smallest person I know! A size 8 MAYBE! I know she doesn't realize it but every time she goes on about how fat she is it's like a knife twisting in my gut. I've tried to get her to stop but she just doesn't listen. So, here I am trying to squeeze my ass into a size 12 knowing that I embarrass people and trying to make peace with that. Today, I'm losing the battle.

Blogspot just made some changes and I am having trouble with my comment engine. I'll try to get it back up as soon as possible.

So, I survived the weekend. Barely. On Friday night, Amy H. and I took Anna out for sushi for her birthday and then headed downtown for a little dancing. We ended up at Alley Cat where Anna worked her magic and had men approaching her left and right. We had to end the night early because Amy and I had to do a Volunteers for Outdoor Colorado project at 7am on Saturday. It was a long day in full sun digging up the ornamental weed Mediterranean Sage. Then, that night, we went back to Alley Cat to celebrate Sara's birthday in the VIP area. And, as usual, I had Sunday school the next morning. Whew!

What really struck me about the weekend is how disappointing Anna and Sara's friends were. None of Anna's friends were willing to go out and celebrate her birthday. Her best friend was available but had "body issues" and didn't want to go out in public. That is the lamest thing I have ever heard. I don't know a single person without issues. Especially body issues. But when you let something like that keep you from being there for your friend, you've got problems. I had a friend like that once. She's no longer a friend. And Sara's best friend didn't show up for her party either. They are both mothers and one couldn't get a sitter. But she didn't bother to call and say she wasn't coming. The other one had a sitter lined up but was too nervous to leave her baby with anyone. Even for an hour or two. So, that left Sara without her two closest friends on her 25th birthday. These people really piss me off. Everyone I know leads a busy life. But if you don't make time for your friends, what kind of a friend are you?

So, I am getting ready to embark on a long weekend. After work, I will race home to change and meet Anna for her birthday dinner at Sushi Den. After dinner, we will probably do a little dancing/bar-hopping downtown. Then, tomorrow morning Amy H. and I will be doing some trail-building with Volunteers for Outdoor Colorado. After that, we will race home to prepare for other birthday festivities. Then, I teach Sunday school on Sunday morning. Just two weeks left and I'm off for the summer! Hope I make it through the weekend. I figure the rolling stone gather no moss, right?

So, I am proud to annouce the launch of http://www.amalaise.com

Yes, it's true. I have my own website. There isn't much on it yet but I plan to post personal stuff like photographs on it. Just general stuff about me. My new website can support five e-mail accounts so if anyone is just dying to have an amalaise.com e-mail, let me know.

Enjoy!

So, I've been trying to figure out what exactly attracts me to men. I definitely tend to gravitate towards clean-cut guys. (which is probably why I keep ending up with military men) I like men to be somewhat fit. No couch potatoes, please. Intelligence/high education is a must. And he HAS to have a sense of humor. I'd really like to be with someone who makes me genuinely laugh. Liberal politics are a plus. As is Christian faith. But probably one of the main traits in a man that attracts me is confidence. I think this is true with both men and women. If a person comes off as confident, they exude self-esteem. Which is really sexy. As a shy person, I know how hard it can be to come off as confident. But it really is very very attractive. I also tend to be old-fashioned in the dating arena because I like men to act like men. They should do the asking out. They should make the first move. Hold doors. Act like gentlemen. Etc. I know that sounds a little backward-thinking in this day and age but I like it. For me, it's a confidence thing.

So, here is Amy's weird revelation #2:

I am very uncomfortable in buildings that have windows with no window coverings.

This really only kicks in at night. I don't know why this freaks me out so much but it really does. When it gets dark, I always go around my house closing blinds, shades and curtains. It makes me feel safer. All those open windows freak me out. The idea of open space that I can't see into very well. And the fact that with my house lit up, people can see me better. I just find it really comforting to cover all the windows at night. I don't know why. It's weird.

Kind of like my irrational fears of cyborgs and strolling musicians. (i'm not kidding...I'm really uncomfortable about those things)

I got a sneak preview ticket to see the new Kate Hudson film "Raising Helen" tonight. I don't have high hopes for it but it's something to do. We'll see how it goes.

So, lately I have realized two new things about myself. Today I'll talk about the first one and tomorrow the other one.

Amy's weird revelation #1:

I don't like new people. I think it has something to do with my hatred and discomfort with change. When my now friend Brian C. started working at the library with me, I refused to acknowledge his presence for weeks. It had nothing to do with Brian. He was perfectly nice. But because I am shy and hate change, I just pretended that he wasn't there. Part of me may have been worried about a change in the work dynamic. Until that point, I had been very happy with my job and the way things were going. Maybe part of me feared that a new person would change that. I was right. He did change it. For the better. I found out that Brian was a professional actor thawed me out a little bit. That gave me something to talk about with him. Gradually, I realized Brian was a kindred spirit and now I adore him. But it took some time. I realize now that this is a pretty common thing with me. For example, I refused to speak to my ex-boyfriend Nick the first two times I met him. I wanted nothing to do with him. Then, out of the blue, we got into a discussion about globalization and he impressed me with his conversation skills and I fell for him then and there. Yet, I had hardly acknowledged his presence the two previous times I met him. Weird. I really am a crazy bitch.

So, not everyone knows this about me but I have a pretty big heart. It doesn't always show because I also have a pretty big temper. But I do have a lot of love in my heart for people. My greatest joy is doing things for my loved ones. And one of my greatest fears is ever hurting someone's feelings or being deliberately cruel. One of the negatives about having a big heart is that you feel things deeply. So, I tend to get hurt easily. I can get hysterical over harm to animals or even over things that happend to people I don't even know. My ex-boyfriend caught me sobbing about the girl that was recently kidnapped and found dead. He felt I should reserve my feelings for people we know. But I like to think we are a community of human beings. We should feel bad when bad things happen in our community. We should take it personally. But not to an extreme. I even take it personally every time one of our troops dies in Iraq. Because I can't help thinking about how I would feel in all those instances if that person was someone that I loved.

I am also very tactile so I tend to be physically affectionate with people. I have to remember sometimes that strangers I am just meeting might not be prepared for a hug. I tend to do what comes naturally and sometimes that means I don't respect people's physical boundaries.

I just finished reading a book last night called "My Sister's Keeper" and I found the ending so upsetting that I couldn't go to sleep. It was really good but so sad. I feel like I need to find a balance between being positively sensitive and getting carried away by my sensitivity. I guess that will be a new project for me.