I am listening to NPR coverage of the Schiavo case and I continue to feel lost and frustrated. This case will have all kinds of repercussions. Fundamentalists are saying that decisions made during this case will affect such issues as abortion in the future. But they don't seem to realize that it could also affect whether or not people have the right to decide how they want to die.

If we knew Ms. Schiavo's wishes, would it make a difference? If we knew for sure that she would want to die, would there still be all this protest? There should be....because the same issues are at hand. The only difference would be that we would know, without a doubt, what the individual wants.

I have a living will. And I do not want an extraordinary measures taken on my behalf. If I cannot survive without the help of machines, then let me go. And if I am brain-damaged or no longer conscious with no hope of coming back, I want to go. I wouldn't be myself anymore. And if my personhood is gone, I don't want to continue. There would be no point. It is so hard to let loved ones go. To make that decision to quit hanging on. I think sometimes we cling to loved ones who are already basically gone for our own reasons. Because then we truly have to face our grief. But is that really helping them? Gary has said to me that he wouldn't want to turn off my life support. This is why I have clearly stated in my will what I want. So that he won't have to make those decisions.

This Schiavo case is so sad. I think about her starving to death and I think about how awful that must be for her and for her family. But I wonder if she would really want to continue on in the state that she is in. Is she still Terri Schiavo? Or just the shell she left behind? I wonder.

In any event, I wish peace for Terri Schiavo and her family.

So, I just started reading this book by Donald Miller called "Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality" and so far, it's pretty good. Some of his thoughts really appeal to me. For example, here a few quotes I like from the book:

"I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging with God."

I like this quote because it reminds me how easy it is to fall into a rut with faith and simply go through the motions without really thinking about it or truly connecting.

At one point in the book, Miller talks about protesting an appearance by Bush. Then he says:

"More than my questions about the efficacy of social action were my questions about my own motives. Do I want social justice for the oppressed or do I just want to be known as a socially active person? I spend 95 percent of my time thinking about myself anyway. I don't have to watch the evening news to see that the world is bad, I only have to look at myself. I am not browbeating myself here; I am only saying that true change, true life-giving, God-honoring change would have to start with the individual. I was the very problem I had been protesting. I wanted to make a sign that read "I AM THE PROBLEM!"

I really like this because I consider myself a socially active person but sometimes I need to look within to make real change. And that's what I'm trying to do now.

I went over to my friends Amy and Greg's house last night for dinner and it was great. They also had over our friend Chucky who I never get to see anymore. Amy fixed a delicious dinner of vegetarian canneloni and asparagus. The best part, though, was just getting out of my house for awhile and interacting with my friends. It let me forget about my frustrations for a little while. I just got to relax and be myself. I felt great until it was time to go and I realized that I would have to get up and go back to work. I am hanging in there because after January 1, I will be vested with the library and will be able to draw retirement. I don't want to find a new job here in Denver if I'll be leaving in January. Also, I need to be able to pay my mortgage. And by January, I will have racked up a lot more voluntary experience here in Denver that will help with my resume and job-hunting in California. So, I just have to try and make it until January.

So, I received my yearly performance evaluation at work today. I did not receive an "exceeds expectations" because of my recent lack of enthusiasm for the customer service portion of my job. Since this is the "main component" of my job, I was graded down for that.

Yes, I am burnt out. Yes, I am frustrated and tired. But the fact is, I cannot afford to quit my job right now. All I can do is try and hang on until I move to California in January. I hope I can make it because things just keep getting worse.

I am absolutely baffled by this whole Schiavo case. I'm glad I don't have to make a decision on this case. It's always so hard to know what a person's wishes would be. That is why I have already made out a living will. So that no one will have to guess my wishes.

What is so frustrating about all of this is that I am absolutely sensitive to the Schiavo family about trying to keep her alive. However...I do not believe this is something that Congress should be involved in. The Republicans, as usual, are trying to polarize everyone around religion. The first colonists came to the United States looking for religious freedom. We have always been lucky to be a country that welcomes everyone and offers everyone freedom to be who they are. This is why the separation of church and state is so important. Politicians have a responsibility to make decisions based on the laws of this country...not their own personal views. I am a Christian and my choice would be to allow Mrs. Schiavo to live since we are not sure of her wishes. But this is not something that should be discussed within Congress. This is a decision for a judge to make. If the Republicans would stop trying to be the MORAL MAJORITY and start acting like Americans, we wouldn't have as much divisiveness in this country. I have more respect for politicians who keep their religious view private rather than using them as a political tool.

I just watched the French-Canadian film "Seducing Dr. Lewis" last night and it was truly charming. It reminded me of a cross between "Lagaan" and "Waking Ned Devine." If you are in the mood for a sweet, simple film, you should definitely check this one out.

I've been watching the tv series "Millenium" lately which I love but it can be fairly violent and depressing. Every episode is about a different serial killer/apocalyptic events. The series takes place in the late nineties with the premise that the end of the world will be coming with the millenium and because the millenium is near, mor evil events are occurring. I can only watch so many of these episodes in a row because they can give me nightmares after awhile. That's why it's good to have a palate cleanser like "Seducing Dr. Lewis" to renew my faith in humanity.

I posted a few new pictures on amalaise.com

You can view them under "Sorta Fairytale."

There are a few from New Year's Eve and from my friend Amy H.'s birthday bash.

I'll try to post some more later this week. Enjoy!!!

Words are fun! These are my test results:

English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 100% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go! Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/. You can take the test here: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=14457200288064322170 But be warned! There can be multiple correct answers for some questions.

I have had faith on my mind a lot lately. Probably because we are in the middle of Lent. I've been working through a Lenten bible study book called "Faith Odyssey: A Journey Through Lent" by Richard Burridge. If you are a Christian and Fantasy/Sci-Fi geek, then this is the book for you. I love it and I try to read it every year at this time.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about how difficult it can be to be a political liberal and a Christian. People typically place liberalism and Christianity on opposite sides of a battle. And it can be very frustrating for me. I hate being ganged up on and I get from both "Christians" and atheists. It makes me so angry. But, as I have said before, the only person I need to prove anything to is God.

So, I've been searching for books by people like me. I just went out and bought Ann Lamott's two books on faith and I have been recommened "Blue Like Jazz" which I will also try. And Garrison Keillor's "Homegrown Democrat." (he's a liberal AND a Lutheran!) I need a little spiritual boost and knowing that there are others out there like me will probably help.

It seems that 2005 is going to be a major transitional year. There have been a lot of changes and even more on the way. I've seen two family friends pass away. One friend had a baby. Two more friends are pregnant. Two sets of friends will be selling their homes and moving. Several co-workers have left and the library is experiencing a philosophical switch. My pastor is leaving. I'm starting my life with Gary and will probably move next January. Maybe we are all just at a point in our lives where we are moving to the next stage. And it's hard for me. But the one thing you can count on in life is change. I've been lucky that things have been fairly constant and regular for the past few years. But all that is changing and I'm trying to figure out coping strategies. Especially now that I am having health problems and I'm looking at the possibility of never being able to have children. It's sort of changing how I view the world and my life. Sometimes you never know how much you want something until you are told you can't have it. But I know that Gary will stick by me no matter what. And that is truly a wonderful certainty. Especially when everything else in my world is in flux.