I have been officially crowned by Queen Frank! (Queen Ellen to most of you) I told her I'd make a better lady-in-waiting. But maybe after next July, I'll be ready to be Queen of my new domain. It's kind of weird to see myself without glasses now that I've had my laser eye surgery. I'm never getting rid of my mole, though, unless they make me.

I just found this book on the shelf and I think I'm going to read it. It's called "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases, and Coping." Hopefully, it will give me some good ideas on dealing with life right now. So far, I've learned (and this is probably obvious to most of you) that stress can lead to depression, anxiety and weight gain. All things I'm dealing with right now. So, maybe I'll get some good tips. If any of you know of any good techniques on dealing with stress or good books on stress or depression, let me know.

I feel really frustrated right now. You always here that employers value people who take initiative but I'm beginning to think that's not true.

I just handled an irate customer who had two overdue books that were due in early June. She had accrued the maximum fine. Theses items had a grace period of 39 days but she still couldn't get them in on time. Now, two months later, she brings them in and she's pissed that she has to pay a fine. She thinks the library should send phone calls and notices galore. We sent her one notice and she felt that wasn't enough. So, I tell her it's her responsibility to get things in on time and that even if she had returned them 39 days late she STILL wouldn't have had to pay a fine. But over two months late require a fine. So, she's pissed but she pays the fine. Then, my boss walks over and gives the woman back her money. Right in front of me. Thus, undermining anything that I had done. Thanks a lot. That is really supporting your staff.

So, I watched "Prozac Nation" last night which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I read the book years ago. The thing about the movie was that it reminded me a lot of myself. I haven't had a major depressive episode since college. And I've never had to use medication to pull myself out of it. (not that there is anything wrong with that, Tom Cruise! I think meds have their merits) Therapy has always been a bust for me. But I still have small depressive episodes now and then. Like this week. I think I am just feeling overwhelmed. Wedding planning, volunteering on four committees, hating my job, etc. And I haven't seen any of my friends in two weeks. Part of the problem is that I just don't have a lot of friends here. I tend to have only a few close friends in keeping with my personality. And that's great. But it makes it difficult when you feel the need to socialize and be with other people and they are all too busy. I'm not really complaining. My friends are busy and have big things going on in their lives. But I just feel really lonely right now. And it is made worse by this depression that has settled in. And it is so hard to describe to someone. Gary tries to get me to explain why I feel depressed and I can't. I can't pinpoint something specific. It's just a general ennui...or malaise. I feel like I'm underwater. But I'm still functioning. And that's a good thing. At least I manage to get out of bed everyday. I consider that a personal triumph. And I'm starting to pull out of it. I think all of these life changes are just getting to me right now.

When I was in high school, a teacher had each of us take the Myers-Briggs personality test in order to sort us into groups. At that time, I was an INXJ. I was evenly split between sensing and feeling, hence the "x." Now that my personality is set, I am an INFJ. It's kind of interesting how accurate this test seems to be. This describes my personality:

http://typelogic.com/infj.html

Hmmm....

By the way, I'm slowly coming out of my mood. If only I didn't have to work. It's raining and I just want to hole up in my house with movies and books and not talk to anyone except my cat.

I feel like the main character in "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very Bad Day." Only instead of a day, it's a week. But things always turn out in the end.

My mood has not improved one iota today so I have decided to leave off of blogging for the next few days because I don't have anything positive to say and it's no fun to read a whiney negative blog. So, once my mood lifts, I'll be back...

I heard this song recently and it kind of describes where I am in my life right now. It's called "No Sign of It" by Natalie Grant:

"It's a long wait at the gate
just to glimpse your fate
just to see whether it all works out
It's a long road, a heavy load
You gotta really want to go
and just let the others walk around you now

up and down again
but this time it's different
it took some waiting to straighten out the bend
In and out of luck
yeah at times it was difficult
I got a new life baby, It takes some getting used to but...

Chorus:
No sign of any rain
My skies are clear today
I keep bracing for that hit
But there's no sign of it
No obstacles in sight
My skies are clear tonight (My skies are full of light)
I keep thinking I might see that cloud arrive
Oh but there's no sign of it
No sign of it

And as I look around, it's all new ground
the leaves on the trees touch down
But I'm above weightless as a dream
It's been a long road, a heavy load
I just simply had to go
Had to get here hard as it's been
In and out of luck
yeah at time it was difficult
I got a new life baby, it just takes some getting used to..."


I think I'm gonna make it.

In my effort not to be grumpy, I'm trying to think of something positive to blog about. Our friend Muffin just got voted Best Artist in the Bay Area by the readers of San Francisco magazine. Gary and I already own two of her paintings. Gary gave me this one for my birthday. It's called the "Rejoiced Heart."

I have a nasty grumpy gremlin inside of me today. I feel tired and achy and I have very little patience with anyone today. I am the absolute worst version of myself. I come in this morning to work and find out I have to the bilingual storytime again. Normally, I don't mind but I don't feel well today and it takes some preparation to get it together. But I did it. Then, my co-worker called out sick again. She has called out continuously for three weeks so far and counting. Evidently, she is suffering from carpel tunnel syndrome. Now, I'm not saying that this isn't a real complaint. I have had wrist problems because of this job and I know it can hurt. But she is even calling out for her shifts that don't require shelving. In the meantime, no one can get vacation approved because we are short staffed. I know I shouldn't be impatient and angry about this situation but I really am. I feel like she is letting us all down. And I know part of this is my general grumpiness. I feel a little depressed. And for no particular reason either. I think if I could just stay in bed for a few days, I would feel better. But I can't because they need me at work. My co-worker has already called out for tomorrow. And I would be willing to bet money we don't see her at all this week.

Here is a quotation I found on an Intelligent Design website:

"The theory of intelligent design (ID) holds that certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause rather than an undirected process such as natural selection. ID is thus a scientific disagreement with the core claim of evolutionary theory that the apparent design of living systems is an illusion."

Basically, it is a way for Christians to try and reconcile evolution and religion. The idea is that evolution is accepted as a theory with the understanding that it is guided by a divine hand. That there is an intelligence behind the design. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this theory. HOWEVER, it has become politicized and some people see it as a way to get religion into the science classroom.