Saturday, August 06, 2005

So, I watched "Prozac Nation" last night which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I read the book years ago. The thing about the movie was that it reminded me a lot of myself. I haven't had a major depressive episode since college. And I've never had to use medication to pull myself out of it. (not that there is anything wrong with that, Tom Cruise! I think meds have their merits) Therapy has always been a bust for me. But I still have small depressive episodes now and then. Like this week. I think I am just feeling overwhelmed. Wedding planning, volunteering on four committees, hating my job, etc. And I haven't seen any of my friends in two weeks. Part of the problem is that I just don't have a lot of friends here. I tend to have only a few close friends in keeping with my personality. And that's great. But it makes it difficult when you feel the need to socialize and be with other people and they are all too busy. I'm not really complaining. My friends are busy and have big things going on in their lives. But I just feel really lonely right now. And it is made worse by this depression that has settled in. And it is so hard to describe to someone. Gary tries to get me to explain why I feel depressed and I can't. I can't pinpoint something specific. It's just a general ennui...or malaise. I feel like I'm underwater. But I'm still functioning. And that's a good thing. At least I manage to get out of bed everyday. I consider that a personal triumph. And I'm starting to pull out of it. I think all of these life changes are just getting to me right now.


Genevieve said...

honestly, I don't think you can explain what causes depression, most of the time. The people who can pinpoint an event that triggered depression are lucky, because I imagine it would be that much easier to work through.

Personally talk therapy is very helpful to me. Maybe the therapists you've tried weren't the right ones for you? or maybe talk therapy isn't for you. but I wouldn't give up on it entirely.

for now, something else I've found really helpful is making a checklist for the day. Then when you cross stuff off, you realize you can accomplish things, and that's helpful to me. I don't do it now, but when I was more in my can't get out of bed phase, that was really a good thing.

Genevieve said...

oh, and sorry you're feeling lonely. that sucks, too. COME VISIT ME!!!