So, I have been trying to come up with a description of what depression feels like for me and I have finally come up with a lengthy metaphor. Here it goes....

I'm going down the road happy as a clam and all of a sudden I find myself in a long dark tunnel. It wasn't on the map. It seemed to appear out of nowhere. I try not to panic because I figure I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel soon but it is nowhere in sight. In the meantime, I discover that this tunnel is filled with a thick viscous pitch from roadwork. I get completely bogged down in it. I keep trying to fight my way forward but I'm held back by the muck I'm trapped in. I really want help. I want someone to come in and help me to pull myself out but at the same time I push them away because I don't want them to get pulled down by the muck as well. So, I keep slogging through the pitch trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, I hear people outside of the tunnel asking me how I got in there in the first place. And I get frustrated because I have no idea and I'm too busy trying to concentrate on getting out to explain the path I took to get in this mess. I just know that as long as I keep moving, I will eventually find my way out.

And that is what depression is like for me. I can almost see a Reign of Ellen cartoon with me in it covered in pitch with a grumpy look on my face.

So, I went over to the hospital over my lunch hour and met Mia. It was a good time to go because it was just me, Amy and Greg. Greg put Mia in my arms and I got to rock her for fifteen minutes. She's a beautiful baby. I can't wait to start reading books to her! It's gonna be really fun.

My friends Amy and Greg had their baby this morning and I am so happy and grateful that everyone is safe and healthy. Mia arrived early this morning and I can't wait to meet her. I hope to go over on my lunch hour to see them. It's kind of a tricky thing because you know the family is overwhelmed with their new arrival. Mom is recovering and everyone is tired. The last thing they want to do is to entertain guests trooping through their room demanding to see the baby. But heck, how many opportunities to I have to see a friend's baby the day it's born? I'll just make it a quick visit and hopefully I won't bother them too much. It will be so fun to see who she looks like. Welcome to the world, Mia!

My mom and Gary have helped me to work out the logistics of my move, so I'm feeling much better about that. However, I think my latest anxiety has to do with long-distance friendships.

I see my friends as family. And it makes me feel really upset to think about being separated from even more of them. It is so hard to keep in touch with people. My friend Brad who was my closest friend for many years has shut me out for some reason. I never hear from my friends Dave and Lora who moved away. (and Dave was my closest friend in Denver) I feel very removed from my friend Jennifer. I haven't seen my friend Ellen since college. And I guess I worry that this is going to happen with my friends here after I move. We'll stay in touch for awhile and then we'll quit corresponding and I'll cease to be a part of their lives. I'm going to miss seeing my friends' babies grow up. (Dave/Lora and Amy/Greg and Ellen/Jason) I'm going to miss seeing their new homes and sharing in their joys and sorrows. I'll just become this person they knew who lives in another state. And that causes me a lot of grief. And scares me. That my impact on the lives of others could be so small.

So, last Sunday was the series finale of "Six Feet Under." *spoiler alert*
It was a show I had a love/hate relationship with. I would often get frustrated with the characters. At how self-absorbed and whiny they could be. I'd quit watching for awhile and then I'd start up again. Maybe I didn't like it because I saw things in them that I didn't like in myself. But the show was well written and covered some pretty brave territory. I especially liked the character of David. The last show really shook me. I thought it was great but the last 5-10 minutes caught me by surprise. I like the fact that the show always brought death right to the forefront. It reminded us that death is a fact of life that we cannot escape from even though we try to ignore it. Seeing how each character eventually died gave all the viewers real closure. But it also reminded us yet again of the transience of life.

I have been working on reading the book "And Ladies of the Club" for the past year. I pick it up, read it for a few days, and then put it down again. It's a good book but it's difficult. It starts in 1868 with the formation of a women's club and ends in the late 1930's. You follow all of the characters in great detail, sharing their lives and joys and sorrows. The two main characters were 18 when the book started and now they are grandmothers. It kind of makes me melancholy in the way that the end of SIX FEET UNDER did. Why can't we just stay at our physical peak for the rest of our lives. Why do we all eventually have to turn youth over to others and face the breakdown of our bodies? Time is harsh. But then, we get to experience so many new and wonderful things as we age as well. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too much in my own head right now.

Have you ever wanted to read a newspaper article online but the website forced you to register before you could see it? Isn't that irritating? Well, my friend Greg turned me on to this website called Bug Me Not. You go to Bug Me Not and enter the name of the site requiring registration and it gives you a dummy log-in to use so you don't have to. I love it! It's the greatest thing since sliced bread! Give it a try...

So, I have been reading this book by Mark Helprin called "Freddy and Fredericka" and it's pretty funny. I'm about halfway through it. It gently pokes fun at the British monarchy with main characters in a sendup based on Charles and Diana. I have had it on our Staff Recommendations display for about two weeks and no one would touch it with a ten-foot pole. Yesterday, a review appeared in the Sunday Denver Post about the book giving it a good review. Within fifteen minutes of opening, people were calling in for the book. People won't listen to me but they will definitely come running if a journalist recommends it. Maybe I'm in the wrong business. I had no idea journalists wield so much power. Except for Oprah. She's so powerful that when she recommends a book, people become zombies and pour into libraries and bookstores requesting it. Wow. What I could do with that kind of book power!

So, Gary is finally here. We went out with our friends Sara and Greg to the Palm last night. It was so fun to get dressed up and go out with friends. We all shared lobster and it was delicious! It's too bad I have to work today. But Gary is helping me out by running errands for me. And we have all day tomorrow to be together.

Tomorrow is the final episode of "Six Feet Under." I'll kind of be sorry to see it go. Although, I always thought the Fishers were a pack of whiny selfish brats. And yet I couldn't keep myself from watching the show so I could see what happens next.

Let's talk about censorship.

I have noticed that this has been a big topic in libraries lately as different groups across the nation are calling for the removal of certain materials in public libraries. One of the most public right now is the call for the removal of certain Spanish language materials that have comic drawings of naked women in them. I have to say I find all of this somewhat amusing because I have seen much more questionable materials in public libraries than that. But I work in a library and I know that materials of a more mature nature and typically placed high up out of the hands of little ones. Now, I don't have kids so it probably isn't fair for me to say this, but I believe that it is the parents responsibility to decide what materials their children can see. If you are letting your child run around the library by themselves, well... I hate to say it but the library is not a childcare service. We can't monitor every child. And someday, Lord willing, if I have kids, I think I would be much more worried about them seeing a movie or book filled with extremely violent pictures than I would be about having them see a picture of a woman's bare breasts. Once you allow people to censor one item, it opens the floodgates to censorship of all types of items. And who gets to make these decisions for us?

I'm feeling better today. I think the fog around me is lifting. That's the odd thing about depression. You swim around in it not knowing where it came from or when it's leaving. And then...poof!...it's gone.

I had a nice weekend. I got to rest and spend some time with my buddy Sara and that really gave my spirits a boost. I feel like we are finally figuring out a plan for my big move. And now I get to look forward to Gary coming into town at the end of the week. And my favorite season, Autumn, is right around the corner! Maybe things are starting to make a turn for the better...