Ch-ch-ch-Changes

I've been working on cleaning out my desk and my locker. After five years, there is a lot of stuff to clean out.

I started this job when I was 25. I remember joking that I would never work at the library long enough to get vested. "By that time, I would be thirty!" It seemed like a million years away. And in some ways, it was. I was at a very different place when I was 25. I thought the library would be my stop-gap job while I looked for another museum job. And now it is five years later. I'm thirty and I've been through four relationships and several dating situations since I first started. I had just moved into my house a few months before starting my job.

After next week, my home of six years will begin to be dismantled. I will no longer be reporting for duty at 8:30am anymore at the library. Several friends I had when I first started have disappeared. Others have gone through major life changes. It's really hard to get my mind around.

My life will really be different after next week.

Post-Holiday Recovery

Well, my house is empty and Christmas is over. It was a great holiday but very very busy. I think my cat, Toulouse, will be happy to have me all to himself. I think he's a little tired out from the holidays as well as evidenced by the photo above. Hope everyone had a good time with family and friends.

Including today, I have five days of work left at the library. It's hard to believe. The countdown begins...

Merry Christmas

A quick Merry Christmas to everyone! I'm here at work on Christmas Eve until 4pm (!) but I look forward to getting home to my family. We are going to see "A Christmas Carol" tonight at the theater.

I'm signing off for the holidays for now but I wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. May much love and happiness come your way!

Though Lovers be Lost, Love Shall Not

This has been a very difficult year for lovers. So many relationships have ended. Even some in my immediate circle. Losing a love is very much like a death. You go through a grieving period for what is lost. Some close friends ended their relationship this weekend and it was so shocking. I have seldom seen two people more in love or more perfect for one another. And when you see something like this happen, you start to worry. "If it can happen to them..."

But perhaps it is just time to focus on being thankful for what one has. And I am very thankful for Gary. And I am very sad for those who have lost their loves this year. And I hope that 2006 will bring love back into their lives.

Until then, I offer this Neruda poem to those grieving the loss of their loves in general and to H. in particular...

Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Cupcakes and Chronic

Okay, I haven't regularly watched Saturday Night Live in years but I nearly fell out of my chair when this came on. Enjoy!

Saturday Night Live Sketch 12/17/2005

Jesus He Knows Me

A Genesis greatest hits CD came through the library recently and I had to take it home. They have one song that I really love called "Jesus He Knows Me." Do you know it? The video is great. Evidently, when Genesis was in the United States a long time ago, they saw a televangelist on t.v. and thought it was a joke. They just couldn't believe it and eventually wrote a song about the phenomenon. It's all about the sometime hypocrisy of that format of religion. And also of individuals who claim to have a more significiant relationship with God than the rest of us. One that makes them a mediator on our behalf. For a price. My favorite line is "If you want to get closer to Him, get on your knees and start paying."

I think I got so mad at Pat Robertson recently because I don't feel anyone has the right to speak for God. Or to pass judgment on God's behalf. The great thing about the Protestant Reformation is that it allowed us all to have our own personal relationship with God and to interpret scripture for ourselves. I don't pretend to know the truth of everything and I don't pretend to speak for God. I can only express what I believe. And I spend time every day trying to puzzle out different issues of faith. I think it's okay to have doubts. If you go through life blindly accepting everything and never thinking about it, then it's hard to grow in your faith. I don't think God is probably afraid of a little challenge now and then.

I think so many Christians live in fear. They think of themselves as human Jenga games where if one piece gets taken out (ie. Creationism) then the whole faith structure will topple. The idea is to build a strong base and keep thinking and working on your faith. Then, you'll be okay.

Secrets and Lies

My friend Frank introduced me to this PostSecret website and I've been thinking about sending something in. Sometimes it feels like getting your secret out there (albeit anonymously) would be cathartic.

But I don't keep many secrets. I try to be really open about myself. I'm probably too open sometimes. I guess that what I worry about is that my real secrets are secrets I even keep from myself. That they have been pushed so far down in my psyche that I can't reach them. I'm going to think about this really hard and then send something in to PostSecret. Because I think a little soul-searching is always a good thing.

Presents and Such

I know I have mentioned this before but I LOVE giving gifts. I really do. That is what most excites me about special occasions where gifts are de rigueur. Although I enjoy getting presents (I love surprises), I get far more excited about giving them. So, I am excited about Christmas being so close because I can't wait to see people open the presents I got them. I think I did pretty well this year.

I have already received two great presents this year and I don't really want anything else.

My mother got me laser eye surgery for my birthday. This was a really big deal. I've had glasses since second grade. I've never done well with contacts so I always kind of felt limited by my glasses. They eventually became part of my identity. I always thought of myself as "the girl who wears glasses." They fit in with my nerdy bookish personality. But I have loved being able to see clearly. It has changed my life. I still reach up sometimes to take my glasses off at night, though. Old habits die hard.

The second amazing gift I got this year was a pledge of love and commitment from Gary symbolized by a lovely diamond ring.

You can't beat that.

But, now that I think about it, I have received a third great gift this year. The love and loyalty of my friends and family. That's pretty wonderful.

I guess I'm pretty well stocked in the gift department.

Manners and Society

I just picked up Lynne Truss' new book "Talk to the Hand" and it is brilliant. She talks all about why we seem to be cultivating a culture of rudeness and how that is affecting society. Not only is it dead on but it is also hilarious. I see so much of my own experience in it. This includes both times when people have been rude to me and when I have been rude to others.

Yesterday, I was leaving the mall with my arms full of bags and packages and I stopped to hold the door for a woman coming into the mall. She pushed past me and went through the door without even acknowledging me. I was furious! Then, I went home and read a whole chapter in Truss' book about how incidents like that can make us feel and I realized that is exactly how I felt. She points out that typically we don't have much of a reaction to good manners because we expect it. When everything goes according to our expectations, we just go on with our lives. But when people are rude, it throws everything out of whack. We feel hurt and angry and tend to stew about the offense for a long time.

I try and make an effort to be as polite as possible using "please" and "thank you" as much as I can. But I also get pulled into rudeness as well. I have been known to experience some road rage and I can give less than adequate customer service when I am tired and cranky at work. But I do believe that this little social niceties can make a big difference. I even bought an Emily Post book recently to review the basics of good manners. (although I was surprise and overwhelmed by how much was covered) Maybe we should all just start with "please" and "thank you" and see how it goes.

I challenge everyone (including myself) to make a real effort over the holidays to be polite and mannerly towards other people and see what happens. Maybe it will make all of our holidays just a little bit better.

Thoughts on Narnia and Anonymity

To begin with, I just wanted to explain why I removed the "Anonymous" feature from the comment engine. I love hearing what people have to say and seeing who is reading my blog. Since so many people can comment under "anonymous," I never know if those are the thoughts of one person or many. And I like getting to know people and their opinions. I think one of the great things about blogging to getting to know other people and their ideas that you might not otherwise. It's just friendlier this way.

I saw the new Narnia movie last night and I loved it!

*spoiler alert*

If you haven't seen the new Narnia movie and want to be surprised, don't read any further.

Gary sent me this article he found written by a person who thinks C.S. Lewis was working for the devil. Now, C.S. Lewis is one of my heroes so this kind of bothers me. I can't imagine why someone would feel the need to write something like this. If you want to read the article, follow this link...

http://www.balaams-ass.com/journal/homemake/cslewis.htm

Anyway, I decided to really focus on the Christian imagery in the movie and this is what I found. (if you are at all familiar with the books, this will be no surprise to you)

Edmund is obviously a Judas figure. But I think he is also a symbol of all human-kind. We aren't perfect. I know I'm not. (remember my rant at Pat Robertson?) Aslan's sacrifice for Edmund is like Christ's sacrifice for all of us. He redeemed us.

The Witch obviously symbolizes evil or the devil. She is trying to control Narnia (the World) and keep all good things out. (like Christmas) And she is threatened by humans. (some people say that angels have always resented human beings because of our souls and free will)

The battle can't be won alone. Everyone is valued. No individual is too small to have a great impact. Look at the Beavers. It doesn't matter who you are. Christ/Aslan values you and wants to protect you. Even if you have screwed up.

When Aslan goes to his death, he seems very sad and desires Lucy's and Susan's companionship. This is like Christ's time in Gethsemane. He was afraid and sad. And his companions didn't do a very good job in keeping Him company.

Aslan is mocked and beaten just like Christ.

Lucy and Susan wonder where Aslan's body has been taken and they are the first to see him alive again. Sound familiar? How about the two Marys at the tomb?

Aslan also has the power to bring individuals back from death. Anyone heard of Lazarus?

I don't know why that person thinks C. S. Lewis does not have a Christian agenda. It's just crazy. But even if you aren't a Christian, it's still a ripping good tale. The visuals are great. And I really enjoyed the music. It really set the tone for the film. I thought it was great. But not really for kids under 10. Some of the violence is intense and the Witch is downright scary.

Through the Wardrobe

I loved the Narnia books by C.S. Lewis as a child. We didn't have Harry Potter then, after all. I have to admit I'm really excited to see the new movie. I bought my ticket today and I'm going to see it on the *giant screen* on Friday night. By myself. I'll let you know how it is. I hope I won't be disappointed because movies seldom live up to books in my opinion. But I have high hopes for it.

Holidaze

All of my friends have their holiday decorations up and it made me think about how our personalities are reflected in our choice of decorations. My friend Sara is really into interior design and fashion. Her house looks like it fell out of Pottery Barn. Perfect lighted garland around the door. A tree covered in cascading ribbons with wire that can be adjusted. A beautiful table with matching plates and candles. And, because of her job at Barnes and Noble, children's book-themed ornaments. My friends Amy and Greg have a traditional tree. A real tree with colored lights and ornaments they have collected over the years. Each one means something to them. My tree is fake because I just have issues about cutting down and throwing out a tree after a month. I use only white lights and bubble lights and I use vintage ornaments from the forties and fifties. The ones on the garland I string throughout the house are my grandparents'. I really like old things that have meaning behind them. This is probably why I love going through antique stores. I like to think that things have history and to try and guess what that history might be. I also like old houses and can't imagine living in a recently built one. I'm not sure where this propensity for used/old things comes from. But it's fun to see how our personalities come out in the places where we live.

Friends in Distant Lands

Back in Texas, we had some family friends named the Talkingtons. When I moved to Colorado, it turned out that both of the Talkington sisters were living in Denver. And one worked with me! Kim eventually got married and left the library to join the Wycliffe Bible Translators with her husband. They are living in Tanzania doing bible translation and missionary work and have since had a baby named Tessa. I was looking at their website this morning and thinking about what a wonderful experience that must be. I have a master's in anthropology but I have never lived and worked in a foreign country. I think the Hills are so brave to head out with a baby into Africa to do this work. Part of me wishes I could do something like that. Although I doubt I could convince Gary to work in a third world country. Anyway, here is their website:

http://www.heartofthehills.org

Things I Will Miss

My friend and co-worker Greg often likes to say dirty things to make me laugh or embarrass me. He made an off-color remark with a mischievous grin on his face a few minutes ago. I said to another co-worker, "You better go ahead and go before Greg makes another sexual innuendo."

Trying to defend himself, Greg responded, "You're making sexual innuendoes in your ears!"

We all started to laugh. It was classic Greg. I need to start writing these down so I don't forget once I'm gone.

The End is Near

Only 24 days of work left. Hard to believe.

I've been thinking about the eight years I have spent in this town and I feel a little depressed when I think about how little I have to show for it. If things went bad with me and Gary, I would not come back to Denver. I would go home to Texas. Because there really isn't much left here for me. I have a handful of friends, a job I hate and a lovely home. I was just thinking about what it will be like to come back here for my bridal shower and I thought, "Who will even come?" I only have about five friends. And that is after working really hard on joining groups and organizations and making a real effort. Unless you are married or a mom or both, it is hard to make friends as an adult. So, part of me is really looking forward to starting over in a new city with the things I have learned here. I really want to hit the ground running. I've already joined several young professionals groups supporting the art museum, ballet and opera. And I plan on transferring to the League out there which might help. And joining a church. But I don't want to be as isolated there as I have felt here. I hope this will be the start of a new era for me as well as a new decade.