Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Thin

Before I went to bed last night, I got sucked into a new documentary on HBO called "Thin" about women with eating disorders. I couldn't stop watching it and stayed up way too late. It broke my heart to see these women. I had a friend who suffered from anorexia and I'm not sure she will ever be able to move past it. I think it will be constant battle throughout her life.

When I was in high school, I was about 5'7" and weighed 115 pounds. I know by Hollywood standards that seems about right. But when I look at pictures of myself now, I think I looked too thin. My therapist at the time was convinced I had an eating disorder and even bullied me about it. She wouldn't take no for an answer. She even hinted to my parents that I might be bulimic. I wasn't. My eating habits were just fine. I just happened to have a high metabolism at that point in my life. My weight fluctuated a little in college between about 115 and 125. I got sick my junior year and had trouble eating. I got too thin again. It wasn't until I moved to Colorado that I discovered that an overproduction of yeast in my abdomen was causing the problem. It made my stomach upset everytime I ate something. After that, I was fine. I've been gaining steadily since then. I was about a size 6 when I moved to Colorado. Now, I'm a 10 on top and a 12 on bottom. And the funny thing is, in my head I think I'm thinner than I actually am. It is strange when I see myself in photos because I'm always surprised at how big I am. I think part of it may be that Gary loves me just the way I am and is so supportive. It helps me to be comfortable (for the most part) in my own skin.

I have tried to keep scales out of my house. I'd rather focus on how my clothes fit rather than a number. I have a tendency to overeat. I've been known to binge eat. But I have never starved myself and I have never made myself sick. I try not to place restrictions on myself where food is concerned because I don't want it to become an issue. When I looked at those women in the documentary last night, my heart went out to them. I hope that someday they can find the strength to love themselves. Before their disease kills them.

3 comments:

gatsbyanddaisy said...

Oh dear! An overproduction of yeast sounds icky. Was it in your digestive track or in your peritoneal cavity? Having strange organisms living in the peritoneum (the abdomen) usually results in a painful death. You're lucky!

Malady said...

I honestly don't know. I had been to many conventional doctors and the common response was to take OTC meds like Pepto. I even tried acupuncture which didn't help. Finally, I went to a kinesiologist who made the "diagnosis" and gave me some herbal supplements that were supposed to counteract the yeast. I also cut out any food related to yeast (everything from fermented foods to sugar) for two weeks. After that, I was able to eat normally for the first time in two years. It may be a tad non-traditional but I can't argue with results.

Ellen said...

You know, one thing that I've never really understood is the whole "eating disorder as a disease" argument. I've heard many times "Oh, my anorexia is flairing up" again, due to stress, and it strikes me as a bit denial-ish. I've always thought of it in more of an addiction or psychological issue...

Having also been a thin person, with periods of simply having no appetite for various reasons (depression/medications/what have you), I've also been questioned about being anorexic in the past. Sorry to disappoint, but I just wasn't. I am also really thankful that I've never have any sort of weight obsessions. I've seen it in quite a number of my friends-- even though they looked FINE-- and it's such a slippery slope.