Before I went to bed last night, I got sucked into a new documentary on HBO called "Thin" about women with eating disorders. I couldn't stop watching it and stayed up way too late. It broke my heart to see these women. I had a friend who suffered from anorexia and I'm not sure she will ever be able to move past it. I think it will be constant battle throughout her life.
When I was in high school, I was about 5'7" and weighed 115 pounds. I know by Hollywood standards that seems about right. But when I look at pictures of myself now, I think I looked too thin. My therapist at the time was convinced I had an eating disorder and even bullied me about it. She wouldn't take no for an answer. She even hinted to my parents that I might be bulimic. I wasn't. My eating habits were just fine. I just happened to have a high metabolism at that point in my life. My weight fluctuated a little in college between about 115 and 125. I got sick my junior year and had trouble eating. I got too thin again. It wasn't until I moved to Colorado that I discovered that an overproduction of yeast in my abdomen was causing the problem. It made my stomach upset everytime I ate something. After that, I was fine. I've been gaining steadily since then. I was about a size 6 when I moved to Colorado. Now, I'm a 10 on top and a 12 on bottom. And the funny thing is, in my head I think I'm thinner than I actually am. It is strange when I see myself in photos because I'm always surprised at how big I am. I think part of it may be that Gary loves me just the way I am and is so supportive. It helps me to be comfortable (for the most part) in my own skin.
I have tried to keep scales out of my house. I'd rather focus on how my clothes fit rather than a number. I have a tendency to overeat. I've been known to binge eat. But I have never starved myself and I have never made myself sick. I try not to place restrictions on myself where food is concerned because I don't want it to become an issue. When I looked at those women in the documentary last night, my heart went out to them. I hope that someday they can find the strength to love themselves. Before their disease kills them.