life by candlelight

I wrote in a previous blog about the distress I feel about people not seeing me for the person that I believe I am. Of course, our self-image doesn't always match the image that others have of us. In fact, we can often be deluded about the people we are. I would like people to see how much I really love and care about them. Strangers can bring me to tears sometimes with their stories and struggles. I may not always show it but I genuinely care about the world and want to make it a better place. My ex-boyfriend once said to me that what he liked most about me was my good heart. I hope that others see that.

However, I fear that I often show people the worst side of me. I am quick to anger. (though also quick to get over it) I am prone to fits of depression and impatience. I can be very self-centered and egotistical. I have been known to suffer from envy. I can get very caught up in my own issues and forget about others. These are all things I'm very aware of. And I try to work on. Especially my anger. I'm not afraid of confrontation. But the weird thing about me is, I don't mind getting into arguments with people but if I ever feel like I've hurt someone's feelings, that is the worst thing I can think of. Even if they are perfect strangers or people who deserve my anger, I can't stand the thought of hurting someone. I don't mind them getting angry at me just not hurt.

My friend Ellen sent me this survey today where your friends fill out a questionnaire about you. It is very insightful because you get a chance to see how people view you. So far, I've been described as a "militant do-gooder" and "trendy hip." I enjoyed the description of me as "glam nerd." That's about right. I've always felt I was kind of dorky. I was especially pleased and flattered to have my best quality described as my "belief in the good" and the fact that I'm "caring about others and very generous." It makes me think that maybe sometimes I DO show my better side to others. My parents tried to teach me to be generous and I've always believed that "to whom much is given, much is required." As soon as I find my favorite quotation, incorrectly attributed to Emerson, I will post it here to show you how I try to lead my life. But seldom succeed.