Wednesday, May 12, 2004

So, it's a rainy night and I've got the blues. It actually may turn to snow overnight, believe it or not. Usually, "I'm only happy when it rains" as the song goes. But today I feel like doing a little emotional wallowing. So, get ready to join the pity party.

I have harped on this subject before but it is at the forefront of my mind so I will address it again.

Recently, someone close to me told me it was embarrassing to go out with me because I am so fat. Now, you should never have to hear something like this from anyone close to you. Or anyone at all for that matter. So, the comment really hurt. I don't think I'm overly heavy but I am sensitive about my weight gain. In the past, I have always looked in the mirror and seen a size 8. Even when I was a size 10. Maybe I had some sort of kind inner image filter. But now, I look in the mirror and see myself as I am. I finally caught sight of my bum in a tri-fold mirror today and was shocked into silence. I knew it was getting bigger but not that big! Add this little revelation to the fat comment and my self-esteem is pretty much in the toilet right now. I am the heaviest of my friends and what makes it even worse is that one friend in particular always goes on about how fat she is. And she's the smallest person I know! A size 8 MAYBE! I know she doesn't realize it but every time she goes on about how fat she is it's like a knife twisting in my gut. I've tried to get her to stop but she just doesn't listen. So, here I am trying to squeeze my ass into a size 12 knowing that I embarrass people and trying to make peace with that. Today, I'm losing the battle.

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