Thursday, February 12, 2004

So, I'm starting to get that rundown feeling that I had before Christmas again. I just feel like nothing is worth the effort. Cooking, cleaning, exercising, doing laundry, working, even relationships. Not worth it. I'm tried of expending effort and not having much to show for it. I guess this is more a relationship issue. And not just romantic relationships. I'm just so tired of trying to maintain friendships and other relationships and feeling like I'm getting the short end of the stick. The problem is that I have never been good at letting people go. Even if it is the best thing.

I've almost finished my Will and I've been thinking about going ahead and planning my funeral so I get it the way I want it. It makes me think about who would care enough to come to my funeral. And I wonder if people who never seemed to have time for me in life would have enough time for me in death. The thing is, none of us ever have enough time. I constantly listen to people complaining about how busy they are with work and school, interest groups, significant others etc. I'm guilty of it myself. But you can't let that take over everything. Or else you lose the people who really care about you. You have to make time for people or else they believe they are not important enough to merit your time.

Take my uncle and dad for instance. My uncle never had enough time for my dad. In fact, when they were in the same room, they barely spoke. I think my uncle was a little embarrassed of my dad. The last Christmas they were together, they hardly said two words to one another. Two weeks later my father was dead. And my uncle said at the time of the funeral, "I only wish I had said more." But see, now it's too late.

I have the next four days off and I just want to sit and be quiet. I don't want to have to see or talk to anybody. But chances are, that's not gonna happen. I saw my doctor yesterday and besides discussing the fact that I have gained too much weight and need to start a diet and exercise program, she decided to test my blood for thyroid etc. Maybe that will explain the state I'm in.

By the way, thank you Vieve for my Valentine's card. It may be the only one I get and it made my day. It's little things like that that help remind me that there are still people who value my friendship.

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