Monday, February 16, 2004

So, Spring is a month away and I think it's time to start thinking about spring cleaning. I need to dive into my closet and let go of the clothes, shoes and jewelry that I never use. I tend to hang onto things because of their sentimental value but it is cluttering up my life. Many of those things don't fit anymore due to my recent weight gain. I need to just let go of them. And I need to throw out the various stacks of paper and magazines that I keep meaning to go through. I really believe in the back of my mind that I'm going to sit there and pull out articles I liked and place them in a file. But I'm not. So, they are just clutter. And as much as I hate this, I may need to do a little spring-cleaning in my life too. Weed out the relationships that are making me sad and depressed. The ones that have nothing to offer me other than the negative. And that is the hardest cleaning to do. It's like the old saying "Fish or cut bait." You can't just sit there forever waiting for a change. I've done what I can. But when I see no progress in sight, I'm only hurting myself by beating my head against a door that shows no sign of opening. I might as well screw my courage to the sticking place and move on to the next door. Although my habit of looking behind me wistfully as I force myself to move on may turn me into a pillar of salt.

I also need to clean the cobwebs from my spiritual life. I know many of you are not spiritually-minded so you may want to skip this. However, this is the most important part of my life. I've let myself just sit around and be angry at God for not helping me out with my problems lately. I haven't been going to church or praying or studying my Bible. Out of frustration. When I most need guidance, where is God? Why won't he heal my friendships? Or help me get into a positive relationship? Or help me find a more suitable job? Why? Why? Why? The hard part is letting go and believing that there is a master plan for me. And for my friends like Frank who are also dealing with unanswered prayers. But maybe are prayers are being answered in ways we don't recognize yet.

At the beginning of the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun," Frances sits in her house crying wondering why she decided to buy a house in Italy for a life she doesn't have. She wants a wedding in the house, a family, a baby. Things that she desires for herself but feels frustrated at not being able to have. At the end of the movie, she is hosting a wedding at her house. Her friend tells her that her prayers have been answered. She looks around and sees the young couple getting married in her home. She sees her best friend whose baby was born in the house. She sees the members of her new "family" surrounding her. Her prayers WERE answered but not in the way she expected. And she was happy.

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