Friday, January 30, 2004

So, I've been thinking about the movie "Big Fish" again. It has this character in it played by Helena Bonham-Carter that intrigues me. She was never able to be with the man she loved so she ends up in her house alone. In the mind of the main character, she becomes a withered witch-like old woman with one eye living in the ruins of her mansion. I've often thought that I will become a woman like that. The kids of the neighborhood will call me Old Lady Malaise and will dare themselves to touch my front porch. I've always thought I'd like to end up like Miss Maudie from "To Kill a Mockingbird." The friendly old maid who looks out for the neighborhood kids and gives them cookies and lemonade. In all of these fantasies, I have always seen myself living alone. Maybe with cats and dogs. And it doesn't bother me. It just seems sort of inevitable. I guess we'll see.

I drove past the cemetary down the street a few days ago and it was all covered in snow. In the summer, the cemetary looks almost cozy to me. Like people are sleeping in the warm ground. But in the snow, it just looks so cold and lonely. I've always liked cemetaries. My ex-boyfriend and I used to go on long walks through the cemetary down the street. It's so old and interesting. I think for most of us, we accept the fact of death but we don't really absorb the reality of it . I guess cemetaries force me to think that one day, that will be me. I already have my cemetary plot in Dallas. I even designed the monument that rests there. I know where my remains will rest. It's an odd feeling. But kind of peaceful too. It is the inevitable end that we all face. And I at least have the certainty of where my remains will be. Unless I die in some weird way like a plane crash in the Amazon.

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