Monday, March 08, 2004

I was going to finally talk about the Oscars today but the events of the morning have made me change my mind.

In Keb' Mo's song "Better Man," he says "I'm gonna make my world a better place. I'm gonna keep that smile on my face. I'm gonna teach myself how to understand. I'm gonna make myself a better man." I've always liked those lyrics. I would like to do those things too. But sometimes I'm all too human. I would like to face the world with love and envelope it with my heart but I constantly fail. I have a very quick temper and I am also very demanding of people. I always place expectations that are too high on people and when they don't meet them or exhibit behavior outside of those expectations I get angry and think "what the hell is his problem!" I've always thought one of the best things you can do is try to always put yourself in the other's person's shoes. Lately, I haven't taken the time to do that. I tend to react immediately. And in this season of Lent, it makes me realize how un-Jesuslike I really am. When attacked, I tend to attack back even more viciously although sometimes I'm able to reign it in before speaking too quickly. I wish God could just give me more patience and understanding. Because I feel more alienated from my fellow human beings every day. Even those I call friends. I don't like things or people to change. And when they do, I react strongly Especially when that change seems negative to me. But we all grow in different ways. Hopefully, vertically towards heaven rather than laterally or downwards. I just wish relationships didn't take so much effort all the time. It seems like it should be easier dealing with those you love than with perfect strangers. But that is seldom the case. It seems like I try and try to be more calm and loving towards others but the more I try, the more I fail. I think God is testing me with the most difficult people. And sending them to me right in a row. I think I'm going to stick a Post-It on my computer at work with some sort of symbol to remind me to try harder. That way I'll see it all day long. Now, if people in my life would just stop pushing my buttons, I might make some progress and become a "better man." But then again, anything that comes easily usually isn't worth having.

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