Saturday, March 20, 2004

So, my friends Greg and Sara gave me a gift certificate to a spa last year for my birthday. I've been saving it up but finally decided I better use it. I decided to try something different this time. Instead of a facial or a massage, I decided to try a Moor Mud Body Wrap. Sounds exotic, huh? Well, it was. A little TOO exotic.

My spa person ended up being a cute man my age. Definitely not gay. Which would have made me more comfortable. I figured it would be like a massage. Where they uncover whatever body part they are working on. wasn't. We walked into the room and there were two washcloth-sized towels on the table. I gave the guy a very dubious look. Well, you guessed it. One (folded in half) was to cover my boobs. The other was to be placed like a diaper between my legs. Are you kidding me?!

I guess you have to be basically naked so they can spread mud all over you. But when you are down to washcloths, it's like...hey, I'm naked, why are we kidding ourselves with towels at this point? So, first he loofahed me off. Then he spread the mud all over and wrapped me up like a fat-laden Hot Pocket. (He had to leave my arms out since I'm claustrophobic) While I was cooking, he massaged oil into my head. Then, he removed the mud with hot towels. After that, I had to shower off any extra. I thought the worst humiliation was over. The last part was to be more of a traditional massage with oil. I was so relieved to walk into the room and see blankets and sheets on the table. Well, everything was going along fine until he got to my legs. Then, he didn't just uncover my legs. He uncovered an entire cellulite-ridden buttcheek. Thank God my internal monologue wasn't audible. "Is that my right buttcheek exposed to the air? Is this cute young guy actually going to be rubbing oil into my cellulite? How humiliating!!" And then he moved onto my left buttcheek! My buttcheeks were seeing more action than they had in years!

It's too bad I'm so uptight. It probably would have been relaxing if I could just ease up. After all, I had a good-looking guy covering me with mud. But I felt a wee bit exposed. I hope all that moor mud really did help my skin and cellulite. I guess we'll see. Don't think I'll be trying the treatment again anytime soon, though.

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