Tuesday, April 20, 2004

I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with my blog lately. My life has seemed to be spiraling out of control lately. I've been sick of body and sick of spirit. The body illness is a bad cold that is moving into my chest. The spirit illness is knowing that Bill and I were falling apart. And we were. We ended things last night. It had been coming for awhile but it is never easy. It isn't a question of love. We both love each other. But we have too little in common to make a future together. We both want different things. And that is really hard to have to admit when it means giving up someone you love. But it could only end badly. It will be a horrible transition for me after having been with him for a year and a half. The thought of facing that sort of crushing loneliness again makes me want to crumple into a ball on the floor. I would like to hide from the world for a few days. Just stay in my bed with Toulouse and some books and DVDs. But I fear I would live in my head too much. As it is, I didn't get any sleep last night. So, I am looking to work for a distraction. It's not working great so far.

And, like my friend Frank, I am feeling a lot of anger towards God. I'm still waiting for an answer to all my prayers. And maybe it will come in a form I don't recognize. But right now, I'd like to know what the hell I'm doing wrong! I am so frustrated. Maybe I just need to recognize that I am meant to be alone. And make my peace with it once and for all. As a character in AGE OF INNOCENCE said, "I do not mind being alone as long as my friends keep me from being lonely." And luckily, I have plenty in my life to fill up time and space. So, I think I'll get things figured out eventually.

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