Did Santa bring you everything you asked for? I hope so. I got a lot of really nice gifts this year. I'm a lucky girl.

I spent a lot of the holidays seeing movies. "Something's Gotta Give." "LOTR: Return of the King." "Cold Mountain." "Big Fish." I was especially excited to see "Big Fish" because I'm such a huge Tim Burton fan. I think our world views are very similar. The only person I know of outside of Tim Burton who has that much whimsy is my friend Frank. I wish the world really were that beautiful and magical. I have to say that even though it was very realistic and often moving, "Cold Mountain" left me....cold. I'm sorry but I just didn't believe in the relationship between Jude Law's character and Nicole Kidman's. "Return of the King" was great but very long. And the ending was kind of a letdown. Sort of like the day after Christmas. All this buildup and then everything sort of fizzles out. "Something's Gotta Give" was better than expected but too long. I love Diane Keaton. I hope I look that good at that age.

So many more movies to see. I need to get back to reading, though. My friend Greg and I will soon be starting our New Year's book for 2004: THE TALE OF GENJI. It should be delicious pain.

Before I temporarily sign off for the holidays, I'd like to extend a few wishes for the New Year....

For my mom...that she have lots of fun remodeling her new place
For Greg J....that he get some peace in his family and finally write the next great American novel
For Sara...that she be recognized as a great manager
For Anna....that things continue to go well in her relationship
For Frank...that her baby dreams come true
For Brad...that school continues to fulfill him
For Vieve....that she meet the man of her dreams
For Dave and Lora...that they will learn how to use the phone :) (I miss you guys!)
For Maya...that her first year of marriage be wonderful
For Jen...that school goes well and married life continues to be great
For C.B....that she find a job that fulfills her
For Greg P...that his family problems get ironed out
For Brandon...that he comes out of his funk and finds a hot boyfriend
For Guillermo...that he find a great job and great boyfriend
For my extended family...that we get to see each other more often and in a meaningful way
For Brian C...that he recover from heartbreak and that he continue to have success in work
For Greg W...that his new relationship continue to grow

For everyone...a peaceful new year both inside and out

Merry Christmas! I love you guys.

My co-worker Matt just said to me, "You're crazy. But you're fun crazy."

Is that a compliment? I'm not so sure. I go through life pretty convinced I'm crazier than the average person. I have a weird outlook on life and I sometimes suffer from depression. And I always seem to have unreasonable expectations from life and people. My boyfriend reassured me that I am not in fact crazy. That he knows plenty of people crazier than me. But that doesn't reassure me either. When do you go from merely eccentric to crazy? Matt also told me that I am more outspoken than most Texan women. I "tell it like it is." I think sometimes I tell too much. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and not let every thought and opinion that runs through my head out into the open.

Well, it has finally happened. I am the proud founder of my own country! My friend Genevieve introduced me to this fun simulation game called Nation States. My country is called the Republic of Fleurin. We are classified as an "inoffensive centrist democracy." How charming! I'll let you know how my nation develops. In the meantime, you can read more about it at the link I've posted to the right. This is just the sort of work diversion I've been looking for.

So, we caught the bastard. But it seems a little anti-climactic. Maybe if we had caught Saddam in a minor skirmish or battle where he was surrounded by henchman coming out with guns blazing. Don't get me wrong. I didn't want any casualties. But seeing Saddam on t.v......he just looked pathetic. What glory is there in capturing a pathetic sickly beaten-down old man? I believe 100% that he should be tried in his own country for crimes against humanity. I think one of the absolute worst crimes in the world is to betray or harm your own country. But I don't even feel a huge amount of anger towards Saddam anymore. Just disgust, really. I'm sure he gave up without a fight because he's just tired and sick of running. Not a particularly glorious end to Bush's war. But everyone seems happy and at least Saddam won't be a threat anymore. If he ever was one. Now if Bush could just find Osama. The one who ACTUALLY perpetrated a crime against the U.S.

Here's a fun fact about me: my favorite Christmas song is "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." I like the part where it says "until then we'll have to muddle through somehow." Sometimes that's what we have to do. Muddle through.

I went home for dinner and it was very hard to come back to work. I dreaded it. I walked into work this afternoon to the depressing sound of my least favorite shelvers bickering over who would have to shelve a cart of children's videos. They both refused to do it and walked off. I sighed and dragged the cart of videos out onto the floor. I found that the children's video shelves were completely packed. So, I spent an hour shifting ever shelf and making room. Not exactly fun work. And not exactly my job. But I was trying to be a team player. When I was finished, I told the two shelvers that I had made room for them and now they could shelve the cart. Guess what? It is 7:45pm and the cart is STILL sitting there. Sigh. Add that to all the whiney customers who chose to argue with me about 20 cent fines and demand to know why their copy of the "Da Vinci Code" hasn't come in yet and you'll see what a lovely day this has been.

One part of working at the library that I enjoy is the fact that I am totally capable and equal to the task. There is nothing I can't handle about this job. And that's a great feeling. A lot of times at the museum, I didn't know what was going on or how to do my job. I never have that problem here. So, I keep "muddling" through. But, I have to ask, muddling through to what?

I started THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE last night. Maybe I'll get some answers. I'll keep you posted.

I think I may be having a minor crisis of faith. A crisis in my faith in God because sometimes it is hard to trust that everything happens for a reason and that there is a master plan. A crisis in my faith in others because I feel my expectations are too high and I always get let down. And people never react in the way that I think they will. A crisis in my faith in myself because I'm really unhappy with the way I've been acting and I hate my physical appearance right now. It's like all of the uglies and nasties inside of me have come out. I'm grumpy, irritable, quick to anger, prone to depression, susceptible to envy. All the things I most hate about myself. And I've also lost my Christmas spirit. I'm not a well woman. But I'm hoping for a Christmas miracle.

Well, hell has finally frozen over. Greg and Andy have posted their latest comic endeavor, "Lockjaw," on their website. You can get there from the link on this page. Then, head to "Other Comics" to check out my comic strip debut. Maybe I should sue over my physical representation. Do I really look like that?

Here is a nice Storypeople story called "Purple Madonna:"

One time on Hollywood Boulevard I saw a young girl with a baby. It was a crisp winter morning & her hair shone dark purple in the sun. She was panhandling outside the Holiday Inn & the door clerk came out & told her to be on her way & I wondered if anyone would recognize the Christ child if they happened to meet. I remember thinking it's not like there are any published pictures & purple seemed like a good color for a Madonna so I gave her a dollar just in case.

So, this is the definition of success that I use to try and guide me:

"The definition of success--To laugh much; to win respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition.; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--this is to have succeeded."

-- attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson but author unknown

I wrote in a previous blog about the distress I feel about people not seeing me for the person that I believe I am. Of course, our self-image doesn't always match the image that others have of us. In fact, we can often be deluded about the people we are. I would like people to see how much I really love and care about them. Strangers can bring me to tears sometimes with their stories and struggles. I may not always show it but I genuinely care about the world and want to make it a better place. My ex-boyfriend once said to me that what he liked most about me was my good heart. I hope that others see that.

However, I fear that I often show people the worst side of me. I am quick to anger. (though also quick to get over it) I am prone to fits of depression and impatience. I can be very self-centered and egotistical. I have been known to suffer from envy. I can get very caught up in my own issues and forget about others. These are all things I'm very aware of. And I try to work on. Especially my anger. I'm not afraid of confrontation. But the weird thing about me is, I don't mind getting into arguments with people but if I ever feel like I've hurt someone's feelings, that is the worst thing I can think of. Even if they are perfect strangers or people who deserve my anger, I can't stand the thought of hurting someone. I don't mind them getting angry at me just not hurt.

My friend Ellen sent me this survey today where your friends fill out a questionnaire about you. It is very insightful because you get a chance to see how people view you. So far, I've been described as a "militant do-gooder" and "trendy hip." I enjoyed the description of me as "glam nerd." That's about right. I've always felt I was kind of dorky. I was especially pleased and flattered to have my best quality described as my "belief in the good" and the fact that I'm "caring about others and very generous." It makes me think that maybe sometimes I DO show my better side to others. My parents tried to teach me to be generous and I've always believed that "to whom much is given, much is required." As soon as I find my favorite quotation, incorrectly attributed to Emerson, I will post it here to show you how I try to lead my life. But seldom succeed.

Great gifts people have given me that cost little or no money:

poem
mixed CD/tape (Brandon is the best)
handpicked flowers
a random card
cartoons from Ellen and the Disappointed Fairy she gave me for graduation
bath and beauty products handmade by Amy H.
pottery
scrapbooks
hugs, kisses and general love and affection
time (i especially like it when someone spends time with me doing things that he might not want to do but knows that I really want to do...hint hint bill)
fixing things in my house or on my car
unsolicited compliments
handmade clothing, scarves, mittens or a quilt (if I ever get married, I want someone to make me a quilt like Dave and Lora got)
original artwork

My friend Chucky came into the library one time and told me to give him my car keys and not ask questions. I trust him completely so I did. Later, I went out and there was a framed poster and a card in my car. He just did it to cheer me up. For no other reason. And it totally made my day.

I think maybe it's true that the best things in life are free. Or almost free.

The holiday season is officially upon us. I put up my decorations yesterday and all of my presents are bought, wrapped and under the tree.

I love to buy present for people. It is one of the great joys in my life. If you choose a present really well, the look of joy on someone's face when you surprise them with it is one of the greatest things in the world.

I like receiving presents as much as the next person. It is always interesting to see what someone buys you because their view or idea of you is reflected in the gift. My friend Dave is a great gift buyer. But he says I'm easy to buy for. Maybe. If you know me.

I've never been comfortable with asking for specific presents. I prefer that people buy me what they feel motivated to. And the things I usually want are pretty expensive and I don't think it's right to ask for things that expensive since everyone has money problems. If I had a choice, I would forego all the big gifts at birthdays and Christmas and take lots of little surprise gifts throughout the year. Gifts for no reason. I love receiving random cards in the mail. I love getting flowers for no reason at all. I love little random gifts that surprise me and make my day. I don't need big flashy gifts (although maybe once in blue moon they are fun). If someone takes the time to make me something, I usually love it. But it really is the little random gifts and surprises that truly make me happy.

Well, I'm back from Texas filled with Mexican food, German food, turkey, stuffing and all the trimmings. I must have gained ten pounds.

We had 23 for Thanksgiving at my aunt's house. It was actually really nice for us all to be together again. I've never been close to my dad's family but it's not because I haven't wanted to. I've just always felt like our little part of the family were outcasts. We just didn't seem to fit in. But everyone was pretty welcoming this time. We had a good time together. And times like those make me a little wistful that we aren't all closer together. And I really do miss Texas. I always forget just how much until I go back there.

My mom's new place has a lot of potential and it will be fun to see all the changes she will make. I think she'll really enjoy living in Austin. It's such a neat city.

I have lots of thoughts whirling around in my head after my week in Texas so it will probably take several blogs to get it all out. I'd like to see one thing though.

It was really cool to see President Bush's stunt for Thanksgiving. I'm sure it was a real boost for the troops. However, I couldn't help but think that it is his fault those people are over there and not with their families right now. It really was the very least he could do. And I'm glad he did it. I don't hate President Bush. I may disagree with him and I may get mad at him but I look at him like I do some family members. We may complain about them and whine about their faults and how crazy they are, but if anyone outside of the family says anything bad about them, we'll defend them. It's one thing for me to complain about my President. It's another thing entirely for an outsider to do it. If any foreigner bad-mouthed my President, I'd be all over him like flies on poo. I like keeping things in the family.

I just got home from church and I am reminded of how much I really love going. It is always so difficult to pull myself out of bed on a Sunday morning but it's always worth it. You can always worship alone. You don't NEED a church to be a Christian and to communicate with God. But there is something about fellowship that is so rewarding. Especially when you start to feel like the only Christian on earth. Then, you go to church and think, hey! all these people are Christians too! You will always have that basic thing in common even if you don't see eye to eye on every issue. And I find the ritual and familiar music comforting. I'm not a modern church kind of girl. I'm not comfortable in charismatic environments and I don't care for modern Christian music. I like the familiarity of the traditional church service and hymns. I went to a modern charismatic church when I first got together and was shocked to see people in jeans drinking Starbucks in the sanctuary while the music director played an electric guitar and people jumped up waving their arms in the air and shouting, "Yes Jesus! Hallelujah!" Now, I think it's great if some people find God that way but it just isn't for me. I prefer formal and traditional. That's just how I was raised. Anyway, I'm grateful to have found my church and I'm especially lucky to be a part of our Sunday school as well.

I'm going on hiatus this week as I will be travelling through Texas. But I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope we will all take the time to think about the things and people in our lives that we are thankful for.

We've been having internet problems so I haven't been able to post any new blogs. So sorry about that.

Today I'm thinking about music. I've been listening to the soundtrack for "Love Actually" which is as charming as the film. I've always been a fan of soundtracks. My favorite soundtrack of all time is the one for "Stealing Beauty." Close runners-up are the soundtracks for "Cruel Intentions" and "Pulp Fiction." I've always thought it would be great to have a soundtrack for my life. Or a theme song. Like Ally McBeal. I've often thought that a good empowering theme song for me would be "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. I've even had theme songs for relationships. Usually one for hello and one for goodbye. For instance, my hello song for Erik was "Since I Met You Baby" by Sam Cooke. Our goodbye song was "Music of Goodbye" by Madonna. My hello song for Nick was "Stand Up" by Def Leppard. Oddly enough, our goodbye song was "Long Long Way to Go" also by Def Leppard. (but then again, Nick was a heavy metal kind of guy) My hello song for Bill is "I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne which perfectly describes the night we met. Lately, I think of Bill when I hear "Sorta Fairytale" by Tori Amos. The other men I've dated haven't warranted songs because they were either a) losers or b)not significant enough.

Do any of you have theme songs? Or soundtracks for your life? I've always found it amazing how important music is in my life. My friend Brandon always makes me mixed CDs when I'm going through difficult life patches and they are always fabulous. Music can be so cathartic and therapeutic.

I attended my first benefit gala last night. It was called Intrigue: The Fire and ISES gala. It was held at the Tabor Center. (a small shopping mall in downtown Denver) When you walked in, a big flame shot up in between two ice sculptures. There was a red carpet and when you walked down out, there was a line of volunteers flashing you with lights to simulate paparazzi. You then mounted an escalator and you received a program at the top. Waiters circulated with trays of mojitos and wine and hors d'oeuvres. There was a band playing on one stage and then another smaller stage with a flamenco dancer and singer. After about half an hour, they ushered us all up to the second floor. As you went up the escalator, there was a wall of fabric with shadow dancers behind it. You then walked down a lighted passeway to the end where another band with dancers was set up. They had dozens of tables. Some with molecules made of lemons as centerpieces. Others had elaborate floral arrangements. There were three buffet tables and chefs were cooking the food while you stood there. Salad with walnuts, pork chops, oysters, prime rib, pasta dishes, etc. One buffet table was covered in real flats of grass. There were three open bars upstairs. Every so often they would announce the next act: a pair of dancers doing a routine, a fashion show, an aerialist. I decided to leave after about an hour because although it was interesting, it wasn't much fun wandering around alone. I sat down to consider my options when a girl from my group named Meredith spotted me. She insisted that I join them and I wandered around with them for an hour. That was a lot more fun. I met some really nice people. At 10pm, they shuttled everyone back downstairs where they had transformed the area into a dessert buffet. They had created a covered tent feeling to it. The buffet was fondue. You would gather different fondue items like strawberries, marshmallows etc and then there were two fountains of chocolate and white chocolate fondue to dip them in. The crowd was a little intense so I decided to head out. At the door, they handed me a canvas goodie bag with samples, coupons and other freebies. The event was pretty cool. Not your stereotypical gala event. I think it would have been more fun if my friends could have been there but I'm glad I got to meet some new Junior Leaguers.

I felt so out of my element I did some weird things, though. I have to constantly fight shyness so sometimes I do things to try to drive myself out my shell. For instance, one man trying to make conversation with me asked how my new Member course with the Junior League was going. I told him it was great except for the hazing. He asked me what kind of hazing and I said, "They make us stand in the middle of a circle while they whip up with pearl necklaces and pelt us with white gloves." I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth. Everyone thought it was funny but I couldn't think what possessed me to say that to a group of strangers. Shyness can do weird things to you.

I really like today's Storypeople story:

"I can put down roots pretty quickly in the face of radical change, she said."

It reminds me of me. I don't respond well to change and I can definitely dig my heels in. Unfortunately, change is the only thing you can count on in life. Well, along with death and taxes.

I have a confession to make. When it comes to animals, I am a complete softie. And I am unapologetic about it. I've always been this way. When "Dances with Wolves" came out, I was much more concerned about the animals getting killed than I was with any of the humans. I had to walk out of "Turner and Hooch" because they killed the dog. I can't explain why I'm so sensitive about animals but I think it is because animals are so honest. They act out of instinct. Nothing particularly premeditated. Because they don't have reason like we do, we can't hold them accountable for their actions in the same way. Animals don't do things out of cruelty. They act out of nature. That is why I have such a fondness for them. It is hard for me not to anthropomorphize them. So, when I saw "The Girl From Paris" last week and they had a scene where milk cows were being slaughtered, I just about lost it. I'm not sure I can ever eat red meat again. I've always known what goes on in slaugterhouses. I used to be the President for Students for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. And I'm not a vegetarian. But I can't stand cruelty for no good reason. I don't want my food coming out of the extended and unnecessary pain of another creature. Animals eat animals. That is a part of nature and I don't dispute it. That's why I have never become a vegetarian. But usually, in nature, it is an honest and quick death. We don't give that to the animals that provide our food. And it is dishonest and cruel of us. I'm not sure how we can get back that honesty.

I saw a sneak preview of "Love Actually" last night. What a charming film! If you like British comedies a la Bridget Jones, you'll probably love it. I can already hear critics calling it "the feel good movie for the holidays." My one problem with it is its implausibility. Several people in the film go through major relationships ending and then pick up with someone new in a matter of days. I just don't buy that. And only two of the characters don't have a storybook ending. But it is still a very likeable escapist kind of film. No one ponders any particularly deep issues and no one suffers any regrets over their past relationships. It should have been a Disney film.

Speaking of regrets....I think that is one of the most common things people say about their lives. "I just want to live my life without any regrets." Is that possible? I'm not sure. I look back on my short life so far and I already have regrets. I have lots of regrets about college. I loved college. But I didn't do it right. I should have spent more time studying. And I should have made different friends. I chose the wrong friends. At that time, it seemed to be the right decision. But they ended up betraying me. I joined a sorority for the experience. I figured if I didn't like it, I could always quit. Well, I found out I had negatively stereotyped sororities. Not all of them were bad. I actually met some really nice intelligent women. But I didn't take advantage of my time in a sorority because none of my friends had joined one. I wanted to maintain solidarity with them. Well, I'm only friends without about two of my college buddies now. And when I see some of my former sorority sisters here in Denver, they are so kind and friendly. But the opportunity to really bond with them and enjoy parties and college dating etc is over. I opted out of all of that out of some misplaced loyalty to people who didn't even really care about me. If I could do something over, I would definitely do college over and really take advantage of the experience in ways that I didn't the first time around. Of course, that's just the beginning of my regrets, but it is one that really stands out in my mind. I wonder if I would be in a different place now if I had experienced college life differently.

I'm going to keep putting comment markers on each of my blogs so you people better start commenting. Otherwise, I just feel like I'm ranting in a makeshift journal instead of trying to share thoughts with other people.

So, I played the old Da Vinci Code game online and that is the most fun I've had in awhile. I love puzzles! If you like them too and you are interested in the Da Vinci Code, go to this website and start the game.

http://www.randomhouse.com/doubleday/davinci/index-ctc.html

In other news, I saw this great film last night called "The Girl From Paris." It's a French film and it was wonderful. It has a self-sufficient woman who decides to move from Paris to the Rhone-Alps to run a goat farm. It sounds boring but it was so great. So honest and heartwarming. The woman was close to my age which resonated. There is something appealing about taking care of goats in a place of solitude with a great landscape. Letting hard work lead your life. But I suppose that could also be quite isolating as well. As the movie showed. Maybe I'd better keep on being a city girl. The only animal I'm capable of taking care of is my cat.

Well, Halloween has come and gone. I think I'm going to start celebrating Day of the Dead instead. What a wonderful way to remember those who have passed on. And I love the altars and the sugar skulls and the Day of the Dead figures. It sort of makes death more of a part of life. I think we develop this fear of death in our culture. Well, it's also a fear of the unknown. But if you just accept death as part of the life cycle and bring it into culture, it becomes a little less scary. After all, it is inevitable. I think we are more bothered by not knowing exactly what is going to happen. Of course, religion helps us out there.

Speaking of religion, who out there has read the "Da Vinci Code." What is the dealio with that book? People are fascinated by it. Is it the puzzles? The art? The Holy Grail quest? The sacred feminine? The great cover-ups of the church? What is attracting people to this book? I can't figure it out. The story is mediocre but the material is interesting. I think people love a good conspiracy. And religion is always a hot topic. People are constantly searching for answers. I think some people may be shocked by what is in the book but I think that you can strip away all the mystery and the supernatural and still have something extraordinarily meaningful and transformative in Christianity. But that's just me.

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. I love the escapism involved in it. You can be anyone you want to be. Someone completely outside of yourself. I typically lean towards tough female movie characters. I was Trinity from the Matrix a few years ago. Then, Vanessa from Austin Powers. My favorite costume is my Lara Croft Tomb Raider costume. The belt, holsters and guns are exact replicas. I tried to do Xena a couple of times but I never found a good costume. This year I decided to do something crazy. I found a little Bo Peep costume with a short skirt and petticoats. I then cut up a girly magazine and glued the pictures in my petticoats. When anyone asked who I was, I would lift up my skirt to reveal the pictures. I'm Little Bo Peepshow. Ha. Now that is something entirely different than my every day self. Much more daring and risque than I am in real life. That's what makes Halloween so great.

Somewhere along the way I started feeling responsible for my mother. When exactly does that happen? When do we make the switch from simply being a child to being an equal? Or at least, a semi-equal? She'll always be my mom but I worry about her like a parent sometimes. Even as a teenager I would worry but it has gotten worse lately since we are separated by several states. (Mom, i know you are reading this so don't get mad) She once went a whole week without calling me back. It made me absolutely frantic. Since I have a hysterical personality, I tend to imagine the worst. And this weekend, while she was traveling, she didn't return any of my messages until 24 hours later. I pictured her in some car accident along I-35. "I'm not ready to be an orphan yet" kept running through my head. She finally left a message on my cell phone. She told me she forgot her charger and had very little battery left on her phone. What, they don't have phones in Austin, Mom?!!! For someone like me who can go from zero to hysterical in thirty seconds, this is not a good thing. I worry about her even though she thinks I don't. I talked to a co-worker of mine who has two adopted daughter about my age and she says they sometimes do the same thing. Maybe it's an adopted thing. Maybe deep down we're still worried about abandonment on some level. I don't know. It's a really odd phenomenon. Do any of you experience this kind of anxiety about your parents?

I have to give props to my friend Sara who has just been promoted to Store Manager of one of Colorado's biggest Barnes and Noble stores. She has worked really hard for this job so I wanted to congratulate her. And all at the tender age of 24.

I'm thinking of treating myself to a trip to the Anthropologie store after work. It's been a long day and I feel like doing some shopping. Even if it is just window shopping. It is still eighty degrees here. Where is fall? I'm ready for colder weather. I'm fully stocked on hot chocolate and flannel pajamas. Woo hoo!

What an interesting weekend. I started off by going to see "Kill Bill." Which I really enjoyed. The violence is extreme but not always in a realistic sort of way. And if the protagonist hadn't been female, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it as much. But I remember watching those old kung fu films as a child and "Kill Bill" brought back a lot of memories. I look forward to part two.

Saturday I drove to Estes Park for my Junior League retreat. The weather was beautiful. It seems weird to have weather in the eighties in Colorado during October. The retreat was a lot of sitting and listening to presentations but it gave me the chance to get to know other new members better. I even won an award. My advisor nominated me as one of the best new members. That was a nice surprise. I wish I could have stayed on Sunday and gone to Rocky Mountain National Park for a hike but I felt I needed to get back. There is always so much to do. It makes me feel completely overwhelmed. My house looks terrible. I have bills to pay. I need to buy groceries. I need to work on my scrapbook and sift through the piles of magazines that keep accumulating in my house. Work really gets in the way of this stuff.

Last night, I had dinner with my friends Amy and Greg. They always cook the best meals. Amy and I had to watch HBO's "Carnivale" before doing anything else. Neither of us understands it or even particularly likes it but somehow you can't stop watching it. Once that was over, we headed out to a haunted house. I give it about a 5 or 6 on a scale of ten. I think we get spoiled by Disney. Being the old fogeys that we are, we complained about the dangerous steps and ramps that you couldn't see in the dark. Haven't these people ever heard of glow-in-the-dark tape? It's almost like what makes it scary is the fact that you could trip and fall. We then proceeded to the haunted maze where we were chased by a dread-locked monster who wanted to eat our toes and a chainsaw-wielding clown. Luckily none of the things I'm most scared of were there. (cyborgs, mascots and, occasionally, mariachis) Dave Brown can tell you about my cyborg problem. I'm afraid it led me to trample him in a haunted house a few years back. Sorry again about that, Dave.

I've always loved Halloween but it will definitely be different this year. My former partner in crime has gone through a big lifestyle change and seems to no longer want to do any of the things she previously enjoyed. It makes me wonder if our friendship will survive. We became friends based on certain things. What happens when those things don't exist anymore? It worries me. Things are definitely changing around here and I'm getting left behind.

My friend Greg J. complained that I don't have a link to his website. Really, Greg, no one reads my website anyway. (you can tell by the lack of comments) But, just to appease him, the link to Greg and Andy website on the side of the screen. They are full of Greg and Andy's cartoons for the over 21 crowd. When Greg posts his cartoon "Lockjaw," look for my character. Like I'm not already enough of a cartoon in real life, I also have to be one in Greg and Andy's cartoon strip.

I had the wonderful experience of hearing Michael Moore speak at the University of Denver last night. Me and 7000 of my closest liberal friends. He didn't use a canned speech. He just sort of talked about whatever crossed his mind. When he was talking about Fox News Channel, he borrowed someone's cell phone from the audience and tried to call Sean Hannity. His secretary refused to put Michael through because she didn't know who he was. All of the Denver news stations and the Denver Post boycotted Michael's appearance. He used the cell phone to call the KUSA assignment desk and ask why the station wasn't covering the appearance. He made the guy really mad. Michael ended up talking for two hours. It was really great. His new book, "Dude, Where's My Country?" will debut at #1 on the NYTimes Bestseller List this weekend. His new movie, "Fahrenheit 9-11" will come out next fall. Mike issued the call to all of us to get active and involved in our political system. I have decided to start looking into how to become a precinct delegate. We'll see what happens.

Sometimes people look at me and Bill and ask how the two of us ever managed to meet much less get into a relationship. Well, children, make yourselves comfortable. Here's the story.

New Year's Eve, 2002

My friend Anna and I decided to go to the Denvermix.com New Year's Eve party at the historic Parkside Mansion. Just the two of us. And 248 other people. You would think that over 200 people would feel like a lot. It didn't. It felt like we were surrounded by couples. You know that song "I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne. That almost perfectly describes my evening. I think of that night every time I hear that song.

Anna is good at small talk so she was managing to talk to a few men but I felt a little out of place. It started snowing outside so I sat on a couch and watched the snow. Finally, at 11:55pm, Anna had had enough. She told me to stay there and emerged a few minutes later with this guy in tow. She said to me, "here...this is the guy we're gonna kiss at midnight." Well, I wanted no part of that but the guy didn't seem to realize that and stuck himself to my face right after Anna at midnight. Five minutes later, the guy (named Jack) said, "Hey, meet my roommate Bill." Since the cab Anna and I had arranged for didn't show, Bill ran many blocks to get his Land Rover and drive us home. At Anna's apartment, he said, "I'll call you tomorrow." In my drunken stupor, I laughed in his face and thought, "Yeah, right." Well, he called the next day. And the next. And the next. And before I knew it, he had worked his way into my life. It was like he had always been there. And even though our politics and interests are highly polarized, I can't imagine him not being there.

I have added a link to "Drinking with..." It's a clever cyberspot by my good friend Maya's older brother David Blend. David is a very clever, witty and charming gentleman. (unlike his friends...just kidding, Dave) He has written for several well-known periodicals which I will not name here but if you need to know some tips on picking up women in bars, Dave is your man. "Drinking with...." offers advice on how to drink with famous people. Check it out.

I finally broke down and went back to my old place of employment....the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. I was employed back in 1999 to deinstall the Hall of Ancient Peoples and put all of the artifacts into permanent storage. The powers that be decided that archaeology wasn't a big enough draw in the museum. They converted the entire area into a multi-million dollar space science exhibit. Something flashy to draw in the crowds. I got to see the early prototypes and it looked really cool. But of course, those were in the salad days when the designers were encouraged to go wild with their imagination. When I went to the museum a few days ago, I got to see the culmination of all that work. WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT! I thought it would be like the museum's other blockbuster, Prehistoric Journey. Space Odyssey has no clear narrative. It is confusing trying to figure out if different areas have a real purpose or teaching point. It seems to be more of a random series of hands-on activities that mean nothing to kids unless an adult guides them through it. The environment is great but I doubt anyone is learning anything. And because they didn't raise enough money, the exhibit is only half the size it was intended to be. My beloved Hall of Ancient Peoples is now an empty atrium with a few couches in it.

I went upstairs to look at a fabulous art exhibit of scientific illustrators. I was the only one in the exhibit. A few kids on a field trip wandered in with a parent. I heard one boy say in confusion, "What are you supposed to do in here?" He was looking for flashy hands-on activities. He couldn't figure out what to do in an exhibit where you just LOOKED at things. The group left because the boys said it was boring and "just for nerds." This is what we are teaching our kids. That you HAVE to be entertained to learn. How depressing is that? It sure depressed me. And I hate that stupid pointless space science exhibit. What a waste.

So, I went to this legislative advocacy training session at the Children's Hospital this past Friday. I was attending through the Junior League. It was such a great experience. We got to listen to this fantastic speaker on advocacy named Nancy Amidei. We learned all about grassroots organizing and lobbying. I learned so much and got really fired up. Here I am, a voting politically active citizen, and I know so little about the whole legislative process. And I never contact my representatives and senators about issues that are important to me. I will now, though. The whole thing really made me think of my grandfather who worked in the Texas State House of Representatives. I wonder who lobbied him and what decisions he had to make. It's so interesting and I'm so proud he was a part of that. Maybe that's where I get my interest in politics. If we really want to be true Americans and exercise our rights, we need to get involved and not wait around for things to change. I joined the Children's Hospital advocacy network and look forward to making my voice heard.

You will never believe what I went to see last night. I went with my friend Amy H. to see "Puppetry of the Penis." It was hilarious! Once you get over the shock value, you pretty much forget they are naked. Yeah, right. It was basically two naked men twisting their genitals into origami. Completely non-sexual. Except that the young Australian guy was really hot. They did things like "The Hamburger" and "The Snail." My favorite was the "Slow-Emerging Mollusc." (is that how you spell that?) Anyway, we had a really good time. I alternated between laughing hysterically and covering my eyes. C'mon, guys, that has to hurt! If you want a good laugh and you're not uptight, go see this show if it comes to your town.

I finally figured out how to edit my links! Woo hoo! Sorry, I'm not very good at this web stuff. I put a link to my wonderfully creative friend Ellen's blog and a link to one of my favorite websites: Story People. I subscribe to Story People's story of the day. They are always so wonderful and whimsical. I now keep a folder in my e-mail for my favorites. Check out the site!

Sorry my blog yesterday was so gloomy. I suppose I had to get it out of my system. I guess I went to the reunion with certain expectations and I was disappointed. I just wanted things to be different and they weren't. But that's okay. Maybe it would be a bigger deal if I lived in Dallas where I would be more likely to run into those people.

Today I am focusing on the beautiful fall weather. It's 80 degrees outside and the leaves have changed. They are beautiful! We had a clear sky and full moon last night. I thought about dancing by the light of that moon...just like the owl and the pussycat.

I'm going to a Junior League event tonight to kick off event planning for our Intrigue: The Fire and ISES Gala event in November. It will be my very first gala event. I'm looking at it as a costume party. Only my costume will be a cocktail dress. I'm thinking of wearing my bridesmaid dress from Maya's wedding. I think Junior League is good for me. It offers me lots of good training experiences and the chance to participate in voluntary efforts that really make a difference. Tomorrow, I will be going to a training session on legislative advocacy. I think Junior League will teach me a lot. I hope to take some classes on leadership skills throughout the coming year. There is something about being a part of this group and learning valuable skills that really makes me feel empowered. I can use all of that I can get.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was my 10 year high school reunion and it was nothing like Romy and Michele's. The first night I went to the Welcome Back cocktail hour at the Park Cities Hilton. The room was small and crowded with tables. The turnout was better than expected so people were shoulder to shoulder trying to talk and fight their way to the bar. The women all looked pretty much the same. The men were unrecognizable. A little heavier. A little less hair. A little more mature. I guess the most surprising thing was how little everyone's personality had changed. I tried to mingle and talk but I felt awkward and pushed to the outskirts of the room. I've never been good at small talk so I just didn't know what to say to people. I realized that they didn't know me in high school and didn't know me now. No one was particular curious about me. It was like I still didn't exist.
People were friendly enough but it was just awkward. I ended up leaving because it was just too crowded.

Saturday I headed back to school for a picnic/tour of the school. Only the front part of the school was familiar. I got lost. It is so much bigger. The old girls' gym is now a hugh cafeteria. Most of the lights were turned off and no one was really giving a tour. It was more like wandering around by yourself. The group at the picnic was basically families with babies. Two of my classmates walked by pushing strollers. They were very nice. The babies weren't more than a few months old and already the girls were back to their tiny trim figures. I felt awkward again. Overweight. Husbandless. Childless. I had to leave.

The big event was at Eddie Deen's Ranch, a tourist version of Texas. It was like having your reunion in a barn with cowboys pouring your drinks. The turnout wasn't great. More awkwardness. I just didn't feel right. I felt like an outcast again. No one was rude. Everyone was nice and polite but there was no real depth of feeling because no one knew me or missed me or was curious about me. I mostly filled people in about Brad and Maya and Jennifer.

I didn't fit in in high school and I still don't. I think Brad would have had a great time because he has changed so much. People would have been curious about him. They would have loved talking to him and finding out what he is doing. And he is great at conversation. Maya would have had fun because she is so fun and outgoing and pretty. People were also curious about her. She would have loved catching up with people and hanging out and drinking. Jennifer would have had fun because she always fit in. She is pretty and outgoing and really at ease with people. Everyone would have been happy to see her again.

I think having to face everyone with no armor....no friends, no weight loss, no fabulous career, no boyfriend....was really difficult. Maybe if I hadn't had to do it alone I would have had a better time. Maybe if the people i had most wanted to see had shown up, I would have had a better time. But I just still feel out of place among all those people. I doubt I'll ever be comfortable in that environment. I'm just not an outgoing person. Some things never change. And some people never change. Maybe I just wanted those people to see something in me that they didn't ten years ago. The things that my close friends see in me. I'd like for others to see that. But sometimes it's hard to get it out there in the open. But as long as the people I care about can see those things, I think I'll be all right.

My 10 year reunion is this weekend. I have this secret desire that it will be just like Romy and Michele's High School Reunion. But since Brad won't be joining me (and he's my Romy), I kind of doubt it. None of my friends are going so I will have to face the music alone. I thought about getting a haircut, a facial, liposuction etc. but then I figured, what am I trying to prove? Who cares anymore? The fact is I have a master's degree I don't use, a less-than-glamorous job and I'm still unmarried without children. How impressive is that? But, I do have a fabulous house. I live in Denver. I have good friends and family. I'm a member of a church, the Junior League and the Hash House Harriers. That's saying something, isn't it? I guess I won't know until I get to the reunion. There will be three events. I'll try to make all of them. Just in case. My friend Ellen recently had her reunion. You can read about it at her Sugar in the Raw blogspot. It seems like hers went better than expected. Maybe I'll take a tip from her and wear fancy underwear.

"She knew perfectly well, with her heart's blood as well as with her mind, that loving people was the most important of all things. Yet she knew too that she was deeply discontented and she sometimes suffered fierce feral moods of confused yearning during which it seemed to her that her whole life was a masquerade and that she was piously acting the part of a kindly affectionate serviceable woman who was just not herself."

-Iris Murdoch, THE NICE AND THE GOOD

I'm looking out the window at work today and enjoying the change in the weather. It looks rainy outside but it's not. Only the suggestion of rain. It looks warm outside but it's not. People are wearing light jackets. I love the fall. My favorite season. The air gets crisp and clean. You can be outside without getting sweaty. The colors of the leaves changing. Pumpkin pie. Curling up with a book by the fire. Hot chocolate. Holiday shopping. I know that seems early for some of you but one of my favorite things in life is buying presents for the people I love. I already have about half of my Christmas shopping done. I really shouldn't start so early. I'm a cynic/pragmatist and I realize I could be left with useless presents if any friendship/relationships dissolve by December 25. My mother is convinced I treat my boyfriend badly. That is not true. I just don't choose to get all gushy and ridiculous about my relationship. I've been through two others that I felt extremely optimistic about that didn't pan out. So, why get excited about this one? Not everyone gets a happy ending. Not everyone gets married and has 2.5 children. Why set yourself up for disappointment? I went to see "Under the Tuscan Sun" which I enjoyed surprisingly enough. I think the ending was a cop-out. It would have been better if she had ended up alone. That would be more honest. I can visualize myself in a lovely house in a foreign country. Filling it with friends and food and family and pets. That wouldn't be an empty life. Even if there wasn't a husband or children in it.

Hello. My name is Amy and I'm a liberal Christian. That feels like an Alcoholics Anonymous statement. But I think that is what liberal Christians are sometimes made to feel like. Sick. Aberrant. Confused. I really love going to the local Lifeway Christian Bookstore and picking up some new books. But recently, I've been faced with displays at the front door of books by George Bush Jr., Oliver North, Bill O'Reilly. Ugh. Where are all the liberals? Why does Al Franken have to be a Jew? I could really use a liberal Christian in my corner. I can't even enjoy an online bible study without hearing all these conservative comments. Why does being a Christian and being a liberal have to be mutually exclusive? Get ready because I'm really going to shock you now. I'm an anthropologist. I believe in evolution. I'm pro-choice. I think there is nothing wrong with being gay. I believe there is value in all religions and people shouldn't be persecuted for their beliefs. I believe that faith is more important than organized religion and that if people want to practice the Christian faith, they should be allowed to attend church. Even if they're gay. I don't believe that sex is dirty. I guess in my mind, I'm trying to follow Jesus' example although I don't always succeed. He didn't hang out with the wealthiest cleanest most perfect segments of society. He tried to look on everyone with love. I don't really hear many conservatives speaking with love. They seem to specialize in hate and anger. Especially where the Dixie Chicks are concerned. Is it really worth getting so upset about? Why the "holier than thou" attitude? And why is being a liberal so bad? (After all, I go to church, study my Bible and teach Sunday school)

I have an anecdote for you. The Ringling Bros Barnum & Bailey Circus are teaming up with libraries to promote Library Card Sign-up month. Whatever. I hate the circus because I don't like to see animals perform. I think it is demeaning and cruel. But the clowns are okay. I actually took a clowning class a long time ago and even developed my own makeup. But, back to the story... As part of the promotion, children can come in and show their library card and get a free clown nose. Well, we have several groups from neighboring nursing home/retirement communities coming in every week on their bus. Today, one elderly lady came up and asked for a clown nose. She said she wanted to wear it to dinner to give everyone a good laugh. I was so happy about that. How wonderful to have a sense of humor like that at 70+. I think her quality of life must be better than that of others. There is another elderly lady who comes in to the library who is in great physical condition, even drives at 80 +, and yet she whines and complains all the time. I hope I don't become an angry, unpleasant, bitter old lady. I hope that when I become a senior citizen, I will still have the whimsy and sense of humor to wear a clown nose to dinner.

Has it been two years already? It seems like 09/11/01 was only yesterday. Do you remember where you were? It was about 7:45am here in Denver. I was oversleeping and my mom called and woke me up. She said a plane had flown into one of the towers and that I needed to get up and turn on the t.v. My alarm (always set to NPR) went off about that time and the news of the second plane came on the air. The nightmare was just beginning. I still can't believe the loss we experienced. I wonder if that's what it was like for my grandparents with Pearl Harbor. Only Pearl Harbor was an open war waged by clear enemies on a military installation. It wasn't about cowards killing non-miltary innocents. At least we had a clear enemy to fight back then. And a President who could lead us effectively. A President who asked us to make REAL sacrifices and come together as a country instead of telling us to go out and shop while dividing us from each other even more.

I hope we'll all reflect today on what we lost on 9/11 but also on what we gained. I think we began to let go of our belief in our invincibility. And maybe we began to appreciate each other a bit more.

If you'd like to view a card about today, follow this link. (or cut and paste it into your browser)

http://www.egreetings.com/view.pd?i=150585261&m=7190&rr=y&source=eg999

You know how some people go ga-ga over musicians or movie stars. Well, I seem to go ga-ga over political comedians. I used to love Dennis Miller but I am convinced he has been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by a pod person. What the hell happened to him anyway? I also really like Bill Maher. Very no nonsense person. But the one I really have a crush on? Al Franken. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. He's smart and funny and cute in a nerdy way. I love the way he sticks it to stuck-up conservatives like Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. His new book is laugh-out-loud funny. But also shocking in a depressing sort of way. If he's right and Bush is really doing the negative things laid out Franken's book, we are in for a lot of trouble as a country. Will we ever see a light at the end of the recession tunnel? How many more countries will we go to war with to raise morale and popular opinion ratings for the president?

Well, I went to my first Junior League meeting last night and guess what....it was fine. The women were normal. Very pleasant and friendly. And surprisingly diverse. I think it will end up being a good experience. I like the idea of being a part of something where I can learn a lot while donating my time and energy. There are lots of good leadership opportunities in this organization and I'm really looking forward to getting involved. Of course, I feel pretty busy right now just trying to keep up with church and teaching Sunday school. And I'm also making an effort to exercise more which seems to take up a lot of time. I think I need one day to just sit and do nothing. It always feels like there is something going on and that I don't have enough hours in the day to do everything I'd like to. Oh well. Plenty of time to rest when you're dead, right?

Reasons to stay in my job: decent pay, excellent benefits, job security, some job satisfaction (I stay busy, I like doing storytimes and creating displays and working around books. But what about my job INsecurity? The parts I don't like. I don't feel fulfilled by my job. I hate dealing with whiney customers. I hate the fact that people treat us like Blockbuster. I mean, get a frickin' book with those twenty videos and DVDs, will ya? I face some of the most uneducated people in the world in my job. They must do nothing all day but sit on their bums watching t.v. And they are getting fatter. I'm not kidding. When you check out seven DVDs and each one is one entire season of a t.v. show and you can only have one week to watch them, you won't be doing much exercising. Just a lot of sitting on your bum and eating while watching the DVDs. It really depresses me. After returning my ten-zillionth video today at work, I said to my friend and co-worker Greg, "it's all so tiresome. You can put that on my tombstone. 'It was all so tiresome.'" I was joking of course but it does feel that way sometimes.

Well, it's been two weeks since i started the South Beach Diet and I haven't lost an ounce. How depressing. At this rate, I'll never lose weight in time for my class reunion in October. And then I have to wonder....why do I care? Why does the opinion of these high school people still matter to me after all these years? I feel like an underachiever. I really had the momentum going coming out of high school and it seemed like I lost it somewhere in college. I misplaced my drive. I was really more interested in getting active in organizations like Amnesty, Environmetnal Action Group, Anthropology Society etc than I was going to class. Activism was more interesting than scholarship. And now I have a M.A. and I'm not employed in my field and that depresses me. It's like time and money wasted. I need a more impressive job. I mean, is "circulation clerk" really going to impress anyone at the reunion? I doubt it.

My friend recently joked that my boyfriend and I are the new James Carville/Mary Matalin couple. Can liberals and conservatives really fall in love? Will there differences eventually destroy the relationship? Probably not. (of course, you all know that I'm the liberal) What does being a good liberal mean? I'm reading Al Franken's new book which is fabulous. I only wish I were as smart and knowledgable as he is. Can you be a liberal and drive a SUV? I think one problem with liberals is that we don't always practice what we preach. Our hearts are in the right place but...
The good thing about Bill is that he challenges me to defend my positions. Although he sure didn't like it when I demonstrated what a liar his hero, Bill O'LIEly, I mean O'Reilly is. Ha.

So, I found out today that my old college roommate got married. I am really happy for her because that is something that she has always really wanted. To get married, settle down, have kids. I saw the pictures and she looks really happy. But I also feel sad because I found out this information from a third party. We used to be such good friends and now I have to find out about an important event in her life from someone else. It doesn't make me mad. We don't really stay in touch anymore so it doesn't surprise me. But I hate the idea of friends drifting in and out of your life. I wish we wouldn't lose each other like that. It's really depressing. Now I'm depressed. And not even the sight of Mars outside my window can cheer me up.

So, I found out today that my old college roommate got married. I am really happy for her because that is something that she has always really wanted. To get married, settle down, have kids. I saw the pictures and she looks really happy. But I also feel sad because I found out this information from a third party. We used to be such good friends and now she can't even tell me she's getting married much less invite me to the wedding. It doesn't make me mad. We don't really stay in touch anymore so it doesn't surprise me. But I hate the idea of friend drifting in and out of your life. I wish we wouldn't lose each other like that. It's really depressing. Now I'm depressed. And not even the sight of Mars outside my window can cheer me up.

Went to my big "Welcome Fall Sunday School Teachers" meeting yesterday. It's great to see so many people getting involved in teaching. It means giving up your Sunday mornings and most of the time you don't even get to go to worship service since you are busy teaching. But it's a great experience. I like the idea of getting to help with the moral education of children. And it always impresses me to see how great these kids are. They are so polite and respectful of one another. And, for the most part, they listen to me and engage in thoughtful dialogue. And these are 1st thru 6th graders! But then, I see kids like my boyfriend's niece and I get really worried. She is a really sweet 10-yr-old 5th grader who has a bad case of follower-itis. I really worry about her. This girl is begging her mother for thong underwear because the other kids tease her about her "visible pantyline." In 5th grade?!! And she complained about not having time to shave her legs because then "the boys won't feel her legs at school" if she doesn't. In 5th grade?!! How scary is that? I'd like to be a good role model for her but I'm not sure I'm cool enough. I just hope she eventually develops a better and more confident sense of self.

It has come to my attention that I am once more delinquent in taking care of my blogspot. (thanks Dave for the kick in the pants) I really have no excuses. It's not like I go out often or exercise or volunteer or anything worthwhile like that. I go to work and then come home and get sucked in by the vortex of my couch. Or Bill calls at 5:30 demanding that we go out to eat immediately. This is why I'm twenty pounds overweight right now.

I started a diet today, however. I have to get ready for the big reunion in October. I chose the South Beach Diet. No carbs or sugar or alcohol for the next two weeks. I'm going to be really cranky. I have already decided to allow myself one alcoholic beverage when I meet friends for drinks this Thursday. And, of course, I refuse to give up my La Fogata Tuesday lunch with my friend and co-workers. But I will try to stick to the plan otherwise. It worked well for my friend, so we'll see.

I joined the Junior League of Denver yesterday. I really like the programs they are involved in. I felt it would be a good networking opportunity and I liked the idea of meeting new people and learning new skills. It felt a little bit like joining a sorority all over again. Except without the negative stuff. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Well, I better get back to work. I will try to be better about posting. It's not that I have anything particularly interesting to say. But maybe this will keep you all connected to my life in some small way.

So, I have been delinquent again. And I can't get my comment engine to work. So, if you have anything really important to comment on, you can e-mail at amalaise@hotmail.com. Please put "blogspot" in the header so I don't delete it as spam.

Anyway, I went to Caroline's funeral. It was really sad but uplifting. She planned it two weeks before her death. Caroline was very active in her church and seemed to be at peace with the fact that she was going to die. She felt very confident that she was moving on to a higher plane and would see us all again. I hope we will. She was a wonderful person.

This past weekend I was in Montana for my friend Maya's wedding. I was a bridesmaid. Fun experience but a bit strange also. Montana is so beautiful. I find mountains so spiritual. I got to reconnect with people I hadn't seen in ten years. Sort of prepared me for the upcoming class reunion. How scary is that? Ten years since high school. We've changed so much in that time yet also it seems we are pretty much the same people. It was great to see Maya so happy. She and Teddy are a great match. Yet sometimes in your happiness for others, you can't help but feel a twinge of envy. I'm just glad she found her soulmate.

Sorry I haven't written in awhile. Funny how life gets in the way.

My friend Caroline lost her battle with cancer on Saturday morning. It is just so heartbreaking. I remember working with Caroline my very first day with the library. She was a person who loved to laugh and I remember her reassuring me that I would eventually figure everything out. I was so worried that I would never understand the circulation system. Coming to work and finding Caroline there was always a lovely surprise. She moved around the different branches and you never knew when she might show up. I so enjoyed chatting and laughing with her. It seems like we lost her so quickly. There wasn't time to say goodbye. And now her baby is in the hospital and he will never know his mom. Caroline's memorial service is tomorrow night. Please send out a prayer for her family.

It almost seems as if there should be some outward manifestation of grief when someone dies. It doesn't make sense that I look out the window right now and the sun is shining and people are going about their business. Library patrons come in and pester us while we are all dealing with our grief and we can't yell at them, "Hey, give us a break! We just lost a friend!" And yet, the realization of life and renewal is also present in such things as the arrival of my boss with her six month old baby. He is so beautiful. Maybe someday someone will bring Caroline's baby to the library so that we can all meet him. I'd like that.

So, I am not even a remotely superstitious person. I don't believe in fortune-telling or astrology or any of that stuff. But I did have my palm read yesterday. I watched my friend have it done and the man was suprisingly accurate so I thought I'd see what he came up with for me. He began by saying that unlike my friend, I was born with a great deal of wisdom because I have reincarnated several times. He said I tend to be guarded with people because of bad experiences in my past lives. Huh. He said that even though I am generally very open with people, I still hold a lot back which makes me mysterious. The more people get to know me the more confused they become. He said I would probably marry with two kids but my marriage would be difficult. He said I have two career lines which means I will probably have one career in early life and then change. The second career will probably be something in public speaking or the arts. He said maybe theater. And then he said he felt I had a tendency to try and please people. That I often try too hard to please everyone and I should ease up. It was interesting. Who knows?

My co-worker Caroline delivered her baby today. 2 pounds 6 ounces. Now, Caroline can begin radiation therapy. For all you praying types, please send out a prayer for Caroline, her family and baby James.

"People of the world, relax!" If you can identify that quotation, I'm blowing you kisses across the internet. (hint: it's from a book) Anyway, that's what I feel like yelling at some of my library patrons sometimes. They seem to get so upset over the most minor things. And then, when they head up to the desk with 20 videos, 7 DVDs, and 7 CDs, I want to scream at them, "HEY, WHERE ARE THE BOOKS?!!!" This is not the best way to use your local library. Treating it like a Blockbuster. It's depressing. Grrrr...

So, here is a story for the day. I work with a really fun woman named Caroline who is in her mid-forties. She has such a great sense of humor and I always love it when she shows up at my branch to fill in for someone. Caroline recently became pregnant and the pregnancy stimulated melanoma which quickly spread through her lymph nodes to her brain. The brain cancer is now terminal and she has anywhere from a few weeks to a few months to live. This Friday, she goes in for a C-section to deliver her 30-week old baby. When asked by a co-worker if there is anything that we can do for her, Caroline replied, "Please use my life as an example and don't get bogged down worrying about the little things." She refuses to feel sorry for herself and is fighting as hard as she can for her baby. If you are the praying sort, please send out a prayer for Caroline, her baby, her husband and her 17-year-old son. And remember her example when things get tough.

No one makes way for ducklings anymore. On my way to work yesterday, I was greeted by the terrible sight of some dead ducklings in the middle of the road. There were about five and some were still moving. The two adult ducks would not leave their babies. That left them standing in the middle of traffic. I couldn't understand how someone could miss seeing seven ducks crossing a street. And then how they could drive off after killing them. It was so horrible. The utter lack of empathy that would drive someone to do something like that. An animal organization came and took the living ducks away so they would be safe. It upset me for the whole day. Are our lives so busy and crazy we can't even let a few ducks cross a road safely? Do people just not care anymore?

On December 31, 1999, right before midnight, I was talking to my friend Brad about the problems with our generation. Generation X. When I read that, I feel that "X" should be written in bold red. Like a correction on a test or paper. Like our generation is mistake. But our true shortcoming seems to be that we are burdened by choice. That's what Brad and I discussed. We are living in a time where we have almost unlimited choices in our lives. From profession to type of Starbucks coffee. (may I have a short skinny mocha no whipped with sprinkles, please?) But does that make us lucky? In some ways. Maybe it was easier for women when they knew their main choices were marriage, secretary or teacher. You didn't have to worry too much about making the right choice because it was virtually made for you. But now, our lives are full of possibilities. And we fall prey to a "grass is always greener"-type syndrome. We're not so concerned anymore with job stability, benefits and retirement. We want to be FULFILLED (with capital letters) by our jobs. So, it doesn't concern us if we have to jump from job to job from year to year in search of that fulfillment. Why should we pigeonhole ourselves into one job? Especially when there are so many options? But maybe that is why we all seem so depressed. All this searching for fulfillment. And what if we never find the job or person or hobby that fulfills us? What if we choose a certain path and it ends up being wrong? This is why we are burdened by choice. But maybe I should just choose not to think about that.

Ebenezer Scrooge said that the wonderful thing about his former boss Fezziwig was that he had the ability to make their work lives a heaven or a hell. And, being a man of great humor and positive spirit, Fezziwig elicited adoration in his employees. We can be forced to perform the dullest job on earth but, with the right company, it can still be fun. For a long time, I looked at the library that way. I have felt myself to be surrounded with people of great humor and positive spirit. But that is no longer the case. As we face greater budget cuts and staffing layoffs, we have become a community of disgruntled demoralized people who pick fights with each other and our customers at the slightest provocation. This morning I had the biggest fight in my working career with a co-worker that I have heretofore looked at as one of my favorite people in the library. I fear the damage is irreparable. I can't even stand to be around her much less talk to her. Our desk shifts together are filled with an icy silence. I am starting to feel that my workplace has become a hell. I feel like I can't trust my co-workers anymore. We are no longer united as a team in a common cause. We have become people filled with petty grievances who talk about one another behind each other's backs. I am not exempt from this behavior and I'm not proud of it. I just wonder whether I should try and get out now before I become someone completely embittered, angry and distrustful.

Saw "Whale Rider" last night with my talented friend Brian Colonna of the illustrious Bunport Theater (http://www.buntport.com). A little theater where they occasionally allow me to grace the stage. Although grace may not be the right word. Anyway, the movie was great. Although you can easily figure out the ending, it is more of a fable than a complex tale. Great for young girls. Moving story. Great scenery. Brian and I both got a little teary-eyed. Go see it. ASAP. And take a kid with you. It has a great "girls can do anything" message.

I forgot to credit my friend Ellen with this whole Blog thing. She is probably the most creative person I know and her blogspot inspired me. Check it out at http://sugarintheraw.blogspot.com

I felt a little out of sorts Saturday night so I trucked over to my favorite movie theater, the Madstone, to see "Lilya 4-Ever." It's an independent Russian film about a teen at the end of the Soviet Union. Pretty bleak. She is 16 and is abandoned by her mother who moves to America with her boyfriend. Lilya runs out of money and has to become a prostitute. And that's when things REALLY get bad. I guess what makes the film so hard to watch is that these things continue to happen today. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to live like that. After the movie, I returned home to my beautiful house with a refridgerator full of food and money in the bank. I have a good job with benefits, a great mom, wonderful friends, a fabulous boyfriend, a church. What would it be like to have NONE of those things? That was Lilya's life. She had nothing but her spirit. Which, of course, is eventually broken. The whole film made me sad. We take so much for granted.

Well, the weekend is over. Harry Potter entered the book world with a big bang. I was at the Boulder Barnes and Noble event. They had over 1000 people in the store. Mostly sitting in the aisles. What chaos! But it was fun seeing the people all dressed up in costumes. It's so great to see kids getting excited about a BOOK for a change. I have made it through the first couple of chapters. If anyone tells me who dies, I'm going to smack them.

Welcome to my life. It's not always exciting or even interesting but it's mine.

Why candlelight? Because everything looks better by candlelight.

And because of my favorite bible verse: John 1:5

"The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it."

So there it is. Come on in and experience what it is like to be me.