Ch-ch-ch-Changes

I've been working on cleaning out my desk and my locker. After five years, there is a lot of stuff to clean out.

I started this job when I was 25. I remember joking that I would never work at the library long enough to get vested. "By that time, I would be thirty!" It seemed like a million years away. And in some ways, it was. I was at a very different place when I was 25. I thought the library would be my stop-gap job while I looked for another museum job. And now it is five years later. I'm thirty and I've been through four relationships and several dating situations since I first started. I had just moved into my house a few months before starting my job.

After next week, my home of six years will begin to be dismantled. I will no longer be reporting for duty at 8:30am anymore at the library. Several friends I had when I first started have disappeared. Others have gone through major life changes. It's really hard to get my mind around.

My life will really be different after next week.

Post-Holiday Recovery

Well, my house is empty and Christmas is over. It was a great holiday but very very busy. I think my cat, Toulouse, will be happy to have me all to himself. I think he's a little tired out from the holidays as well as evidenced by the photo above. Hope everyone had a good time with family and friends.

Including today, I have five days of work left at the library. It's hard to believe. The countdown begins...

Merry Christmas

A quick Merry Christmas to everyone! I'm here at work on Christmas Eve until 4pm (!) but I look forward to getting home to my family. We are going to see "A Christmas Carol" tonight at the theater.

I'm signing off for the holidays for now but I wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. May much love and happiness come your way!

Though Lovers be Lost, Love Shall Not

This has been a very difficult year for lovers. So many relationships have ended. Even some in my immediate circle. Losing a love is very much like a death. You go through a grieving period for what is lost. Some close friends ended their relationship this weekend and it was so shocking. I have seldom seen two people more in love or more perfect for one another. And when you see something like this happen, you start to worry. "If it can happen to them..."

But perhaps it is just time to focus on being thankful for what one has. And I am very thankful for Gary. And I am very sad for those who have lost their loves this year. And I hope that 2006 will bring love back into their lives.

Until then, I offer this Neruda poem to those grieving the loss of their loves in general and to H. in particular...

Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Cupcakes and Chronic

Okay, I haven't regularly watched Saturday Night Live in years but I nearly fell out of my chair when this came on. Enjoy!

Saturday Night Live Sketch 12/17/2005

Jesus He Knows Me

A Genesis greatest hits CD came through the library recently and I had to take it home. They have one song that I really love called "Jesus He Knows Me." Do you know it? The video is great. Evidently, when Genesis was in the United States a long time ago, they saw a televangelist on t.v. and thought it was a joke. They just couldn't believe it and eventually wrote a song about the phenomenon. It's all about the sometime hypocrisy of that format of religion. And also of individuals who claim to have a more significiant relationship with God than the rest of us. One that makes them a mediator on our behalf. For a price. My favorite line is "If you want to get closer to Him, get on your knees and start paying."

I think I got so mad at Pat Robertson recently because I don't feel anyone has the right to speak for God. Or to pass judgment on God's behalf. The great thing about the Protestant Reformation is that it allowed us all to have our own personal relationship with God and to interpret scripture for ourselves. I don't pretend to know the truth of everything and I don't pretend to speak for God. I can only express what I believe. And I spend time every day trying to puzzle out different issues of faith. I think it's okay to have doubts. If you go through life blindly accepting everything and never thinking about it, then it's hard to grow in your faith. I don't think God is probably afraid of a little challenge now and then.

I think so many Christians live in fear. They think of themselves as human Jenga games where if one piece gets taken out (ie. Creationism) then the whole faith structure will topple. The idea is to build a strong base and keep thinking and working on your faith. Then, you'll be okay.

Secrets and Lies

My friend Frank introduced me to this PostSecret website and I've been thinking about sending something in. Sometimes it feels like getting your secret out there (albeit anonymously) would be cathartic.

But I don't keep many secrets. I try to be really open about myself. I'm probably too open sometimes. I guess that what I worry about is that my real secrets are secrets I even keep from myself. That they have been pushed so far down in my psyche that I can't reach them. I'm going to think about this really hard and then send something in to PostSecret. Because I think a little soul-searching is always a good thing.

Presents and Such

I know I have mentioned this before but I LOVE giving gifts. I really do. That is what most excites me about special occasions where gifts are de rigueur. Although I enjoy getting presents (I love surprises), I get far more excited about giving them. So, I am excited about Christmas being so close because I can't wait to see people open the presents I got them. I think I did pretty well this year.

I have already received two great presents this year and I don't really want anything else.

My mother got me laser eye surgery for my birthday. This was a really big deal. I've had glasses since second grade. I've never done well with contacts so I always kind of felt limited by my glasses. They eventually became part of my identity. I always thought of myself as "the girl who wears glasses." They fit in with my nerdy bookish personality. But I have loved being able to see clearly. It has changed my life. I still reach up sometimes to take my glasses off at night, though. Old habits die hard.

The second amazing gift I got this year was a pledge of love and commitment from Gary symbolized by a lovely diamond ring.

You can't beat that.

But, now that I think about it, I have received a third great gift this year. The love and loyalty of my friends and family. That's pretty wonderful.

I guess I'm pretty well stocked in the gift department.

Manners and Society

I just picked up Lynne Truss' new book "Talk to the Hand" and it is brilliant. She talks all about why we seem to be cultivating a culture of rudeness and how that is affecting society. Not only is it dead on but it is also hilarious. I see so much of my own experience in it. This includes both times when people have been rude to me and when I have been rude to others.

Yesterday, I was leaving the mall with my arms full of bags and packages and I stopped to hold the door for a woman coming into the mall. She pushed past me and went through the door without even acknowledging me. I was furious! Then, I went home and read a whole chapter in Truss' book about how incidents like that can make us feel and I realized that is exactly how I felt. She points out that typically we don't have much of a reaction to good manners because we expect it. When everything goes according to our expectations, we just go on with our lives. But when people are rude, it throws everything out of whack. We feel hurt and angry and tend to stew about the offense for a long time.

I try and make an effort to be as polite as possible using "please" and "thank you" as much as I can. But I also get pulled into rudeness as well. I have been known to experience some road rage and I can give less than adequate customer service when I am tired and cranky at work. But I do believe that this little social niceties can make a big difference. I even bought an Emily Post book recently to review the basics of good manners. (although I was surprise and overwhelmed by how much was covered) Maybe we should all just start with "please" and "thank you" and see how it goes.

I challenge everyone (including myself) to make a real effort over the holidays to be polite and mannerly towards other people and see what happens. Maybe it will make all of our holidays just a little bit better.

Thoughts on Narnia and Anonymity

To begin with, I just wanted to explain why I removed the "Anonymous" feature from the comment engine. I love hearing what people have to say and seeing who is reading my blog. Since so many people can comment under "anonymous," I never know if those are the thoughts of one person or many. And I like getting to know people and their opinions. I think one of the great things about blogging to getting to know other people and their ideas that you might not otherwise. It's just friendlier this way.

I saw the new Narnia movie last night and I loved it!

*spoiler alert*

If you haven't seen the new Narnia movie and want to be surprised, don't read any further.

Gary sent me this article he found written by a person who thinks C.S. Lewis was working for the devil. Now, C.S. Lewis is one of my heroes so this kind of bothers me. I can't imagine why someone would feel the need to write something like this. If you want to read the article, follow this link...

http://www.balaams-ass.com/journal/homemake/cslewis.htm

Anyway, I decided to really focus on the Christian imagery in the movie and this is what I found. (if you are at all familiar with the books, this will be no surprise to you)

Edmund is obviously a Judas figure. But I think he is also a symbol of all human-kind. We aren't perfect. I know I'm not. (remember my rant at Pat Robertson?) Aslan's sacrifice for Edmund is like Christ's sacrifice for all of us. He redeemed us.

The Witch obviously symbolizes evil or the devil. She is trying to control Narnia (the World) and keep all good things out. (like Christmas) And she is threatened by humans. (some people say that angels have always resented human beings because of our souls and free will)

The battle can't be won alone. Everyone is valued. No individual is too small to have a great impact. Look at the Beavers. It doesn't matter who you are. Christ/Aslan values you and wants to protect you. Even if you have screwed up.

When Aslan goes to his death, he seems very sad and desires Lucy's and Susan's companionship. This is like Christ's time in Gethsemane. He was afraid and sad. And his companions didn't do a very good job in keeping Him company.

Aslan is mocked and beaten just like Christ.

Lucy and Susan wonder where Aslan's body has been taken and they are the first to see him alive again. Sound familiar? How about the two Marys at the tomb?

Aslan also has the power to bring individuals back from death. Anyone heard of Lazarus?

I don't know why that person thinks C. S. Lewis does not have a Christian agenda. It's just crazy. But even if you aren't a Christian, it's still a ripping good tale. The visuals are great. And I really enjoyed the music. It really set the tone for the film. I thought it was great. But not really for kids under 10. Some of the violence is intense and the Witch is downright scary.

Through the Wardrobe

I loved the Narnia books by C.S. Lewis as a child. We didn't have Harry Potter then, after all. I have to admit I'm really excited to see the new movie. I bought my ticket today and I'm going to see it on the *giant screen* on Friday night. By myself. I'll let you know how it is. I hope I won't be disappointed because movies seldom live up to books in my opinion. But I have high hopes for it.

Holidaze

All of my friends have their holiday decorations up and it made me think about how our personalities are reflected in our choice of decorations. My friend Sara is really into interior design and fashion. Her house looks like it fell out of Pottery Barn. Perfect lighted garland around the door. A tree covered in cascading ribbons with wire that can be adjusted. A beautiful table with matching plates and candles. And, because of her job at Barnes and Noble, children's book-themed ornaments. My friends Amy and Greg have a traditional tree. A real tree with colored lights and ornaments they have collected over the years. Each one means something to them. My tree is fake because I just have issues about cutting down and throwing out a tree after a month. I use only white lights and bubble lights and I use vintage ornaments from the forties and fifties. The ones on the garland I string throughout the house are my grandparents'. I really like old things that have meaning behind them. This is probably why I love going through antique stores. I like to think that things have history and to try and guess what that history might be. I also like old houses and can't imagine living in a recently built one. I'm not sure where this propensity for used/old things comes from. But it's fun to see how our personalities come out in the places where we live.

Friends in Distant Lands

Back in Texas, we had some family friends named the Talkingtons. When I moved to Colorado, it turned out that both of the Talkington sisters were living in Denver. And one worked with me! Kim eventually got married and left the library to join the Wycliffe Bible Translators with her husband. They are living in Tanzania doing bible translation and missionary work and have since had a baby named Tessa. I was looking at their website this morning and thinking about what a wonderful experience that must be. I have a master's in anthropology but I have never lived and worked in a foreign country. I think the Hills are so brave to head out with a baby into Africa to do this work. Part of me wishes I could do something like that. Although I doubt I could convince Gary to work in a third world country. Anyway, here is their website:

http://www.heartofthehills.org

Things I Will Miss

My friend and co-worker Greg often likes to say dirty things to make me laugh or embarrass me. He made an off-color remark with a mischievous grin on his face a few minutes ago. I said to another co-worker, "You better go ahead and go before Greg makes another sexual innuendo."

Trying to defend himself, Greg responded, "You're making sexual innuendoes in your ears!"

We all started to laugh. It was classic Greg. I need to start writing these down so I don't forget once I'm gone.

The End is Near

Only 24 days of work left. Hard to believe.

I've been thinking about the eight years I have spent in this town and I feel a little depressed when I think about how little I have to show for it. If things went bad with me and Gary, I would not come back to Denver. I would go home to Texas. Because there really isn't much left here for me. I have a handful of friends, a job I hate and a lovely home. I was just thinking about what it will be like to come back here for my bridal shower and I thought, "Who will even come?" I only have about five friends. And that is after working really hard on joining groups and organizations and making a real effort. Unless you are married or a mom or both, it is hard to make friends as an adult. So, part of me is really looking forward to starting over in a new city with the things I have learned here. I really want to hit the ground running. I've already joined several young professionals groups supporting the art museum, ballet and opera. And I plan on transferring to the League out there which might help. And joining a church. But I don't want to be as isolated there as I have felt here. I hope this will be the start of a new era for me as well as a new decade.

Back from Thanksgiving

So, I just got back from my Thanksgiving trip and it was really quite nice. Mom and I went to the Mrs. Grossman's sticker factory which was a lot of fun! I collected Mrs. Grossman's stickers when I was in elementary school and it was fun to see where they are made. We also went to the Petaluma Historical Society and a bunch of antique stores. Gary fixed a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. Mom left early Saturday and just missed seeing Santa come to town on a riverboat. We couldn't really see him because of the crowd. Then, there was a short parade of vintage wagons and people on horses. Gary and I also check out the new de Young museum in Golden Gate park which was wonderful. Can't wait to go back. Now, I just have to get ready for Christmas. Luckily, I only have two presents left to buy. The rest are already wrapped and under the tree!

Ha Ha Vieve...Check it Out!

Guess they didn't have a category for "anthropologist." Sigh.

You Should Get a JD (Juris Doctor)

You're logical, driven, and ruthless.You'd make a mighty fine lawyer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well, I will be incommunicado during this particular holiday break but I will catch up with you all after I have stuffed myself with turkey. Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving with lots of time for friends and family. I know I have a lot to be thankful for.

Ah, the Holidays...

The holidays have arrived and with them comes the inevitable family tension. My little family is in the middle of of some growing pains right now and probably will be for some time. I think that is just a fact of life when you are starting your life with someone and merging two families. My friend Greg has been going through family drama for the last four or five years. And I'm always relieved I don't have to go through that since I really only have two people in my immediate family. But there are still adjustments to be made. My mom, Gary and I are all pretty strong-willed independent people who are set in our ways. We all like things "just so." I think I'm the luckiest of the three because I'm the youngest. That makes me the most flexible. But I have lived alone for eight years and it will be very hard to live with someone. Obviously, I will have to adapt and adjust. Gary has lived alone for over ten years. He's very much a bachelor-type who has a set routine and lives very simply. Without a lot of "stuff." I happen to like "stuff." It comforts me and makes me happy to be surrounded with things that prompt happy memories. When I sit in my Grandfather's chair I am reminded of him and all the times he used to rock me in that chair. When I lay in bed covered by my grandmother's quilt or when I cook using some of her cooking stuff, I think of her and the good times we spent together. It is very meaningful to me.

Gary and my Mom are very similar people. So, of course, they are bound to butt heads occasionally. But it is my fondest wish that they become friends and learn to care about each other. And how to adapt to each other's quirks. Just as I will have adapting to do as well.

It's going to be a long difficult process. But I think we can do it. Maybe it's the "peacemaker" in me. I just like people to get along and when they don't it makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and cover my ears. Seriously. I have never dealt with conflict well between people that I care about. I tend to internalize it and make myself sick over it. But I feel certain that we will come out of the other side of this transition period as a family.

For those of you who have gotten married and been through the whole "blending families" process, any suggestions or thoughts? I'm sure Frank's readers probably would have a few.

Blast from the Past

So, I went to the scrapbook store with my friend Amy yesterday to stock up on some supplies for her baby book. While we were there, I ran into one of my sorority sisters which was completely random. I went to a small school in Texas and our sororites were local. So running into Jenni here is kind of weird. But it was great to see her. Evidently, a few more of my sorority sisters are in town and we're going to get together next month. It will be fun to catch up and see how everyone is doing.

I can't believe I graduated from college eight years ago. It doesn't seem that long ago. And it is kind of sad to think of how few people I keep up with from college. It was definitely an interesting time in my life. The best of times and the worst of times. Still, it's fun to see people again. I hope there will be a few in California as well.

Another Reason Why Work is Tedious and Tiresome

So, yesterday was a cold day. I wore a long sweater over some jeans and my Ugg boots. Now, I am definitely not a person to wear super low rise jeans. These are were just the normal kind. Behind the circulation desk, we have shelves where we put the holds people have requested. My co-worker, Greg, was helping this man at the desk while I was on my hands and knees shelving holds. Well, it turns out the man complained about me because while I was shelving holds, he could see my lower back and the top of my underwear when my sweater rode up a little. Now, I know the sight of white cotton underwear can drive some men mad but really! Why was he even looking at me in the first place? I wasn't helping him. I was just minding my own business. And it wasn't like I had on low rise jeans with a thong sticking out. I was really put out by the whole thing. As if we don't have to deal with enough crazy people at work.

Maybe I'm just easily put out right now because I am sick with a miserable head cold. Maybe going to see Harry Potter tonight will cheer me up.

Malady from the e-Pulpit

I went to church on Sunday and I'm glad I did because the Bishop was preaching and he did a great job. His sermon was about the Parable of the Talents. For those of you who aren't familiar with the parable, it goes something like this. (I may not have it EXACTLY right but this is the gist) The Master decides to give one servant 7 talents, one servant 2 talents and one servant one talent. He tells them to use the talents wisely while he is gone. When the master returns, the first servant has invested the talents wisely and now has fourteen talents. The second servant also did well and now has four talents. But the third slave buried his talent. He told the master that he knew what a hard and difficult man the master was and he was afraid so he buried the talent. Because of his lack of faith, the third servant was thrown out and cast into darkness.

The bishop pointed out that there is a profound difference in acting out of faith and acting out of fear. If we act out of fear, worrying about retribution or going to "hell" then we are not people of faith. He said that we all need to approach each other with a "hospitality of heart." I really liked that idea. I feel that I don't always treat others with a "hospitality of heart." It is certainly easier for me to do so away from my job. But it's something I need to try and remember in my everyday life.

I have never really believed in the concept of "hell." I only believe in the absence of God. I think the Bishop described it best. He said that the third servant was experiencing a kind of hell being cast into darkness away from the light. It's like standing outside a house where this terrifice party is going on. You see the people laughing and hear the music but you have to stay outside alone. I think that would be my kind of "hell." Knowing what it feels like to be part of God's party but then having to be out alone in the darkness.

Shame on You, Pat Robertson!

In Dover, Pennsylvania , all eight school board members up for re-election were defeated after they all began pushing for intelligent design in schools. This was Pat Robertson's response:

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected him from your city," Robertson said on the Christian Broadcasting Network's "700 Club."

I am so mad right now that I can barely contain myself. Pat Robertson does not have the right to dictate to people what God thinks or how He/She will respond to things. He is not God's gift to the world and for that man to call himself a Christian is sacrilege.

I don't care where you stand on the intelligent design issue. (personally, I believe in a God-driven and God-created universe but I don't believe that should be taught in schools) However, one thing I think we can all agree on is that Pat Robertson is a no-good bastard. It's people like him that are driving people of faith away from religion.

It's a Small World

My favorite Mexican food restaurant in Denver is called La Fogata. There is a beautiful girl who is a hostess there and I think her mother owns the restaurant. She is always so nice and friendly. Anyway, she was just crowned Miss Colorado and will be going to the Miss USA pageant! Now, I'm not a big fan of pageants but I think it's cool for Jackie and I wish her luck! See her crowing after the link...

http://www.tftj.com/Miss/USA/06States/CO/a_CO.htm

Socialist, Huh?

You are a Social Liberal (65% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (18% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Look Out, Muffin!

Inspired by Vieve's work, I thought I'd try my hand.

This is a portrait of my co-worker Karen. I hope I did justice to her buff arms. And also one of Greg.

http://artpad.art.com/?ipe8k211pw3s

http://artpad.art.com/gallery/?ipeemqxzxyk

For some real art, check this out.

"Something Nice" for Gary

Ode to Gary (with apologies to Keats)

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My head, as though of red wine I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull DVD into my brain
One minute more, and malaise-wards I had sunk:
'Tis not through distress of my happy lot,
But being too happy in my happiness,
That thou, sweet-faced satyr of the wood,
In some melodious plot
Of rain-drenched green, and prairie dogs numberless,
Long for summer and warm days of good.

O for a kiss from Gary! that hath been
Desired a long age in my lonely pilgrim soul,
Tasting of Lagunitas and other alcohol unseen,
hugs, and hand-holding, and untold mirth!
O for the warmth of Gary’s dear mouth!
Full of the true, the loving, the obscene,
With dear bits of stubble on his chin,
And big loud mouth;
That I might drink, and leave this lonely scene,
And then fade away into Disneyland with him:

Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What other people without Gary have never known,
The happiness, the fever, and the joy
Here, where we sit and hear each other laugh;
Where joy shakes a few, glad, golden hairs,
Where my skin grows pale, and wan, and longs for his touch;
Where but to think of being without him is to be full
Of sorrow and despairs;
Where sadness can be seen in my bloodshot eyes,
As this still-new Love makes me feel wonderful.

Soon! Soon! I will fly to thee,
Not carried by United and its partners,
But in the wingless chariot of my car,
Though the snowy passes and long highways:
Already thinking of being with you,
And happily Toulouse is at my side,
Listening closely to the Ipod for company
But here there is no longing left,
For soon I will be in your arms again.

Malady Trivia #6

Okay, here's a tough one. I once saw a movie where milk cows were slaughtered and I haven't eaten red meat since. What is the name of the movie that put me off red meat for good?

The Inspired Blahs

I'm feeling a little down today. It's either the weather or work or my sinus infection. Or all three. But it is Halloween. My favorite holiday. Tonight I am going to see a special horror show at the Buntport theater with a few friends and that should be fun.

We have a big election tomorrow. My state senator has really been rallying the troops. I love that guy. Today, he sent out an e-mail with the following:

"A good man was at his place of worship, praying to God.

He said, "Lord there is so much trouble in the world. There is injustice, poverty, conflict and violence. Lord, please send someone to help...please."

God spoke. He said, "I did. I sent you."

I really love that. I think that all too often we forget that change has to start with us. I tend to get my best ideas when I'm driving around and lately I've been pondering the problem of homelessness. I would love to be able to start up a program that helps people get back on their feet. If I could just win Powerball, I'd have the money to do it! Maybe once I get to California...

Vieve Meme

Here is another meme cribbed from Vieve!

My uncle once: Told me I was going to hell for studying anthropology. In the middle of my cousin's wedding reception. I'm serious.

Never again in my life: will I get drunk off of red wine like I did last New Year's Eve.

When I was five: I began hating school when my teacher told me I was learning disabled and would have to go to a special school. (turns out I WASN'T so ha ha)

High school was: a time to find my inner strength and fight back. I learned to stand up for myself and the people I care about.

I will never forget: so many good times with my friends. But especially wearing chicken hats at Oktoberfest and dancing around like idiots.

I once met: Liza Minelli who was very concerned about the small tumor I had on my eyelid at that time. (I was about 7)

There is this girl I know who: genuinely gets excited about good news in her friends' lives. I think she is more excited about my wedding than I am. Thank you for your love and enthusiasm, Maya.

Once, at a bar: a strange guy touched my face and my friend Anna hit him in the face.

By noon I'm usually: fed up with work.

Last night I: watched "Schultze Gets the Blues" and read some of Zadie Smith's new book.

If I had only: been more active in my sorority in college, I'd have a lot more friends now.

Next time I go to church: should be this Sunday. I really need to take Communion.

What worries me most: is making friends in California.

When I turn my head right: a line of irritating customers.

When I turn my head left: my co-worker Greg who is dancing like a monkey.

You know I'm lying when: I say I love my job.

You know what I miss most about the 80s: my youth and lack of world-weariness.

If I were a character written by Shakespeare: I'd be Katrina from "Taming of the Shrew" or, on a good day, Beatrice from "Much Ado About Nothing."

By this time next year: I will have lived in California for almost a year and should be in a house.

A better name for me would be: I can't imagine. My parents chose this one especially for me.

I have a hard time understanding: Why people take advantage of the library.

If I ever go back to school I'll: get a Divinity degree from a Lutheran seminary.

You know I like you if: I tease and joke with you.

If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: my mom and Gary for supporting me.

Take my advice; never: smile at a crocodile.

My ideal breakfast is: half a whole wheat English muffin with peanut butter.

A song I love but do not have is: hmmm... I don't know but I'm sure there are a lot.

If you visit my hometown, I suggest: Eating at my list of favorite restaurants such a Burger House, El Fenix and Peggy Sue BBQ.

Why won't anyone: go out anymore?

If you spend the night at my house, do: bring wine. And cookies.

I'd stop my wedding for: an earthquake.

The world could do without: George Bush Jr.

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: kill someone.

My favorite blonde is: hmmm...Matthew McConaughey is more of a light brown huh?

Paper clips are more useful than: rubber bands

San Diego means: Jennifer's college town

Malady Trivia #5

Name one of the Halloween costumes I have worn over the last five years.

(hint: I've listed all of them in this blog)

Malady Trivia #4

I am a pretty active liberal Christian. I spend a lot of time thinking about faith issues and religion in society today. I have been known to expound upon these issues at great length. There is one person in the Bible that I have always felt was misunderstood but well-portrayed in a certain film. Who is Malady's great misunderstood individual in the Bible?

Another Personality Quirk

I may have mentioned this before but I am definitely a joiner.

I love joining clubs and other groups. Although I often get carried away and overextended. In high school, we were required to join a social club and a service club. I think I joined four or five. In college, I was a member of Amnesty International, Students for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, the Environmental Action Group, Chapel Deacons, the Coates Center Program Board, the co-founder of the Anthropological Society and finally, the Zeta Chi sorority. I liked working in clubs better than going to class.

Now, as an adult, I have pared myself down to just a few groups. I am active in the Junior League of Denver where I serve on two committees. I am on the Board of Directors of the Young Fund of the Children's Hospital Foundation where I chair the volunteer opportunities committee. I am also active in my church with the Young Adult group and I am a member of the Wild Things Society of the Denver Zoo and the Unstrung symphony young professionals group but these groups don't require much of you. I used to be involved with the Denver Young Democrats but quit because it just got to be too much. It seems like almost every day of the week I leave work and go straight to a meeting. But I enjoy it. There is just something in psychological makeup that fuels my need to join groups. Hmmm...

Malady Trivia #3

Something momentous happened to me over Memorial Day weekend of 2004. What was it?

I'll give you a hint if you want it. See the post for July 19, 2004.

(this is an easy one)

Engagement Parties Are Fun

So, my friends Amy and Sara hosted an engagement party for us last Saturday night. It was so fun! They did a wine-tasting theme with wines from California and Italy. Local friends and people from my workplace came. Even my future brother-in-law came in from California. It was fun to see everyone dressed up. We even got some nice gifts: 2 bottles of wine, a gift certificate to one of our favorite restauranst and a wine decanter. My friends are so good to me! It makes me feel even more excited about the wedding because so many more people will be there and I know it will be a fun weekend. It seems like the older you get, the harder it is to get together with friends and family. You always need an occasion. Anyway, I look forward to getting some of the pictures my friends took and I'll post some here.

Goodbye Old Friend

Well, I sold my Jeep today. I am happy to do it becaus it's time to let it go and I'm putting the money towards my wedding but it is definitely bittersweet. My grandmother bought me that Jeep when I was 16. (14 years ago!) I still remember driving her around in it. She passed away not too long after getting me the Jeep. It's been a great car and I've loved driving it. (some of you remember me driving it in college!) But another personality quirk of mine is that I form sentimental attachments to THINGS. Because things often have memories attached to them and I am loathe to part with them. I've held onto my Jeep much longer than I should have because it's my first car and there are so many memories attached to it. But it's time to say goodbye and start the next chapter of my life with my Subaru.

So, happy trails old friend!

Malady Trivia #2

It's no secret that I am a liberal and I found the last presidential election particularly painful. Right before the election, I read a book that really surprised me and I urged everyone to read it. Since one of the big Republican talking points was that Bush would make the United States safer, I suggested that everyone read this controversial book that revealed some suprising things about 9/11. What was it?

New Feature: Malady Trivia

To add to my self-absorption, I thought I'd add a new random feature called:

MALADY TRIVIA

I will post a trivia question every now and then. The answers can be found within my blog. I will keep track of the right answers. There may be a prize involved! Post your answers in the comment section.


Malady Trivia Question #1:
I once said that I saw myself ending up as someone like the older lady character named Miss Maudie (Maude) from a famous novel. I'd be everyone's friendly neighbor and I'd probably have lots of cats and bake cookies for the neighborhood kids. What famous novel was I referring to? (incidentally, it's one of my very favorite novels)


(I know....isn't this just *so much fun*?)

It's just about time to start registering for gifts for my wedding. But you know what I really want? Two season passes to Disneyland. I'm not kidding. I love Disneyland. In fact, I've been dreaming about it. I had a dream recently that Gary and I were on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and we were just about to head over to the Haunted Mansion (my favorite ride) when I woke up. What a bummer! To think you are in Disneyland and then have to wake up and face another day at a job you hate.

But I'm looking forward to living a little closer to Disneyland. I hope Gary and I will be able to drive down there now and then. I can't wait to check out the new Space Mountain!

I have realized that another personality quirk of mine is that I am a goal-oriented person. I have never thought of myself that way but I really am. I like to make lists and check things off. I like to work on a task until it is complete. But I also tend to get overwhelmed and side-tracked easily. Gary is not really a goal-oriented person. I wonder if this will be a trouble point between us. He is working on getting his real estate license right now. If it were me, I'd sit down and work through until I finish it as fast as possible. He's just kind of laid back about it. I'm much more worried about it than he is.

I am also not a math-oriented person. I had to take a career inventory for this job I am applying for and I had to answer about eight math questions in five minutes. I got through four. I get so panicky and then I can't think straight. (these were word problems that involved percentages etc....not simply addition and subtraction) When I was in 1st and 2nd grade, my teachers decided I was learning disabled and would never be able to learn with "normal" children because of my math skills. I think I have developed a complex about it. Now, I will probably not be eligible for this job because of my poor performance. Oh, well.

So, besides the obvious (getting married to Gary!), I am looking forward to my wedding for other reasons as well.

1) I have felt really out of the loop for the longest time. I've been a part of so many engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, weddings, baby showers, etc for so long. It will be so nice to finally have my own. I'm really looking forward to joining the group of the marrieds and not feel like so much of an outsider.

2) I really look forward to having so many people I care about together at the wedding. There are some people I haven't seen in years! My friend Khrisslyn may come from Germany and my friends Sonya and Ana from Texas. Vieve will come in from D.C. Brandon and Guillermo will come from Dallas. And all my family members that I never get to see. That, to me, will be the best part. (if only I could get Brad to come) Being with so many people I care about at the same time! I can hardly wait!

Good news! I reconnected with my college roommate Khrisslyn today. And that makes me very happy. Khrisslyn and I roomed together our Senior year. I enjoyed living with her because she was/is not the type of person to get drawn into female-driven drama. She always made me laugh and we both shared a love of art history. We interned at the San Antonio Museum of Art at the same time. I was in the Latin American Art department.

Khrisslyn is also a very loyal person which I especially appreciated around the time I lived with her. We would do really silly stuff together like go to the grocery store and stock up on a bunch of junk food like little kids. But she also taught me a lot about cooking, eating healthy, and exercising. I always admired her drive. She has lived abroad a lot since we graduated from college in different countries. Something that I would find very difficult to do. But her outgoing spirit makes it easy for her to make friends. That and the fact that she looks like Scarlett Johanssen.

Welcome back, Khrisslyn! I've missed you!

*UDPATE*
Remember how I said storytime put me in a good mood? It took less than a hour to turn me from a happy library clerk to an angry bitter one.
We are very short-staffed today. One clerk called out, one shelver is out sick, one shelver came in late for no good reason, another clerk is at a doctor's appt. It just isn't a good day. So, our ONE shelver for this afternoon just called out saying, "I'm just too burned out to come to work." What the hell kind of an excuse is that? And she thinks she's going to take sick leave for that! I could use that excuse every day but I still get my ass to work because people are counting on me!

Okay....I just have to remember....only 62 more days in this job and then I'm gone forever.

By far the best part of my job is doing storytime. Four years ago, my boss at the time decided that even though it is library policy to only allow librarians with a MLS degree to do storytimes, she would let me start my own storytime. I've been doing them every Wednesday since then. I have one five-year-old boy in my storytime who has been with me since he was one. It is so fun to see them grow up and start reading on their own. I do a preschool-oriented storytime with books, fingerplay, songs and movement. I also sometimes substitute for the Bookbabies leader on Thursdays. That particular storytime is for babies 24 months and under. I will be leading Bookbabies tomorrow. I really love interacting with kids under 8 because their enthusiasm is so great. If you tell kids at that age to get up and "shake their sillies out," they will do it. Today, I did an apple-themed storytime and we all had so much fun. It put me in a great mood.

I also do a monthly storytime at the Children's Hospital. Recently, the Director of Volunteers stopped by to listen to me read to the kids. Afterwards, she told me that she thought I did a really good job. She said she was surprised at how inhibited I was. (I suppose this is because I don't shy away from doing voices and sound effects) I told her I've been doing this for four years and if you don't put in 110%, the kids won't get into it. Enthusiasm means a lot. Of course, after storytime, I usually feel like a need a nap. But I love it. I just wish I could be around my friends' babies more so I could start reading to them. It would be nice to read to kids I actually know personally.

Just to avoid any confusion...
For those of you who looked closely at Toulouse's picture...
No, I do not paint my cat's fingernails.
I don't believe in de-clawing but I do believe in protecting my furniture. So, I put these plastic covers on Toulouse's nails called SoftPaws. They prevent him from doing damage to things but he still gets all the benefits of having claws. I have to use colored ones so I know when they fall off.

Oops! I missed the other cyber-tags. I'm new to this so bear with me.

10 years ago: I was 20 years old and facing a major fallout with my group of friends at the time for something I didn't do. It taught me a lot about loyalty and trust and what to really look for in a friend. A very unfortunate time in my life. But a good learning experience.

5 years ago: I was dating someone who didn't really know who I was. But then again, he didn't know who he was either. He tried to control me and was very cold and distant. But I realized what I wanted and deserved in a relationship. And, thankfully, he dumped me after four years so I could finally be free to pursue something better.

1 year ago: A little more than a year ago, I met my fiance, Gary. I went to New Mexico for an event with a girlfriend. I just wanted all men to cut me a wide berth. And then I met this really sweet guy who I started corresponding with through e-mail. Who knew we would be engaged a year later?

Yesterday: I watched it snow outside the window at work and trudged through the slush at lunchtime to get Indian food with my buddy Greg.

5 Snacks I Enjoy: Cheesy Goldfish crackers, mixed nuts, Canada Dry lemon/lime sparkling water, chocolate chip cookie, Granny Smith apples

5 Songs I Know All The Words To: most Tori Amos songs, most Tom Petty songs, most Heather Combs songs, most Sting songs, most Nat King Cole songs

5 Things I'd Do With 100 Million Dollars:-pay off every debt and loan I have, plan for my mother's future so that she is taken care of, buy a house for me and Gary in the Bay Area, get Gary a new car, start my own non-profit for better housing

5 Places I'd Run Away To: Texas, Italy, Mexico, Aspen, ?

5 Things I'd Never Wear:-Real fur, anything too revealing, a Republican campaign shirt/button, strong perfume, large rings on my fingers

5 Favorite T.V. Shows:-Arrested Development, Lost, House, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Desperate Housewives, Family Guy (I know that's more than five but, hey, I like these shows!)

5 Biggest Joys:-being with Gary, playing with my cat Toulouse, going to bible study, volunteering, shopping for gifts for the people I love

What is Cool In My Place... Well, I'd have to say that my cat Toulouse is the coolest thing in my place. But I truly love my house. I especially like my collection of Guatemalan textiles (huipiles) I have hanging from my inner balcony.

Okay, Vieve, you have to answer these too...

So, I got cyber-tagged by Frank.

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

My sentence: "I also really like Bill Maher." This was from Sept. 10, 2003. Have I really been blogging that long?

Since I don't really know five bloggers, so I'm just going to tag
Vieve from Princess Genevieve.

Today, I am going to make a plea for my favorite show on television, "Arrested Development." I love this show! The writing is funny and moves so fast that you can watch an episode over and over again and still find new things to laugh about. I can't believe more people aren't watching this show! As with many great shows, you kind of have to watch it from the beginning to truly "get it." I know most libraries and Netflix carry the series so go check it out! Immediately!

I'd also like to give a shout out to another great show, "Lost." I just started getting into this show. My mom told me all last year how great it was but I was too wrapped up in "Desperate Housewives." And I'm telling you now that "lost is a far superior show. It's kind of like "Castaway" meets "Island of Dr. Moreau" meets "Jacob's Ladder." I'm only halfway through the first season but I'm loving it!

Spoiler alert: My friend Greg thinks all the people on "Lost" are dead. That is why the wheelchair guy can walk now. He says the show is based on a novel called "The Third Policeman." I just bought that books so we'll see...

I am known to have a penchant for celebrity gossip. I'm not proud of it but there it is. I'm sorry, I just happen to enjoy reading "US WEEKLY" and it's companion 'zines. But celebrity gossip has hit a new low today. I just found out that Katie Holmes is pregnant with Tom Cruise's baby. Which I find oddly disturbing and repellent. Especially since rumors have existed for years that Tom is sterile and that is why he never had kids with Mimi Rogers and adopted with Nicole Kidman. I just told my friend Greg about the news and he said, "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little." My sentiments exactly.

Ick!

You Are Lara Croft "Everything lost is meant to be found."What Superheroine Are You? Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

My friend Frank is doing a series on her blog about her personality quirks and it got me to thinking about my own. A lot of what she says rings true with me as well which is probably why we became friends within five minutes of meeting and eating ice cream together.

I have alluded to these personality quirks before but I'd like to put them together into one blog.

1. I'm a rule follower. I actually take comfort in rules. And it makes me very anxious when other people don't follow rules. This can be everything from library rules to rules of etiquette. Deep down, I just think that rules were created for us to live together more peacefully and be respectful of one another. I'm not a tattletale but I can get quite prissy when people think the rules don't apply to them. I don't particularly like this aspect of myself but I think there are worse things I could be neurotic about.

2. I have a deep-seated desire to please the people I care about. I will bend over backward to make people happy. Often to my own detriment. Sometimes I will even do this with complete strangers. I just want everyone to get along and be happy. The thought of having someone I care about angry at me is more than I can bear.

3. Although most people that know me would disagree, I am very shy. I don't handle meeting new people well. So, a lot of people see me as aloof or stuck-up when I'm really not. I just never know what to say.

4.One of my favorite things to do is to buy gifts for people. I just really really love giving presents. I think that is why I love the holiday season so much. And why I always seem to be in debt.

5. I'm not afraid of a fight. It doesn't bother me to get into an argument with someone. HOWEVER, if I get an inkling that I might have hurt someone's feelings, then I really freak out. I can't stand that. Even if it's someone who is being a big poop. There are few things I can think of that are more awful than hurting someone's feelings. Especially deliberately.

Okay, well those are the first few quirks I can think of. I'm sure there are more...

So, Gary came in for his birthday this weekend. We camped in Rocky Mountain National Park. It was beautiful. The weather was perfect and we got to see the elk. They bugled all night long. We had a lovely hike out to Emerald Lake and saw lots of fall color. It was great. Sunday night we went to an Italian dinner fundraiser for the Central City Opera House. It was actually quite fun. We had a nice al fresco five course dinner and met several interesting people including the property manager for the Belmar development and the Vice President from the Denver Tourism bureau. As a souvenir, each guest got to take home a lovely Italian handpainted dish. Two of our dinner companions gave us theirs to take home as a gift so we ended up with four. It was such a lovely spontaneous generous gesture. And now we have four plates to entertain with. They look like the dish above...
What a nice weekend.

I'm not entirely sure this fits me because I could have put multiple answers. But it's fun...

You Belong in Paris Stylish and a little sassy, you were meant for Paris. The art, the fashion, the wine, the men! Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park... You'll love living in the most chic place on earth What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

So, I got this quiz from a friend that listed 237 different movies. You were supposed to make a mark next to each movie that you had seen. If you had seen more than 70, then you classified as a "movie whore." Well, I had seen 170 out of 237. My friend Greg says that makes me a "movie whoreHOUSE."

I have this new game that I have started playing called "bumper sticker culture." When Gary and I are driving around and we see a car with bumper stickers on it, we try to draw inferences about the owner of the car. Of course, this is stereotyping, but I think you can still be pretty accurate. This is a very bad case of stereotyping but if I see a large SUV with yellow ribbons etc all over it, then I think "Republican Soccer Mom." If I see a Volkswagon Beetle with environmental stickers on it I think "Boulder hippie." It's really quite fun. Some people are more difficult than others. Such as the car that has pro-environment and pro-choice stickers on it but then has a "Re-elect Bush" sticker as well. Hmmm...

Next time you are driving around, try it. It's pretty fun.

I haven't had time to check in lately. Before I offer my thoughts for today, I'd like to make a brief comment about the whole Roberts situation.

While it is not unusual for a Supreme Court candidate to have his/her own agendas, I think Roberts agenda in targeting Roe v. Wade is very clear. He has always been very vocal about this. Anyone who follows the news at all knows that Roberts is the nominee for Supreme Court Justice replacing Rehnquist. And it is correct that it will be an ultra-conservative replacing another conservative. What makes this difficult is that O'Connor also left. So, it is also correct that the next nomination will be key. However, it is highly unlikely that the President will nominate a moderate candidate. So, we have one candidate with a very clear agenda in place and the potential of another very conservative candidate. I would personally not want an entirely liberal Supreme Court just as I do not want an entirely conservative one. I think it is important to have a variety of opinions in there to give more balanced and representative decisions. I just wish we could get some more moderate people in there.

So, it appears that Hurricane Rita will touch down near Galveston on Tuesday. I'm glad to see that it seems people are learning from Katrina and making better preparations. I know there have been many complaints about the handling of situations surrounding the lastest tragedy from the government to the aid organizations. Some people have said they will no longer support the Red Cross because of the problems that have occurred with their system. I am of the opinion that we should not throw out the baby with the bathwater. I feel the same way about government. Sure, if you are unhappy with a system you can go participate in another one. Or move to another country. But why not work to effect change from within? Isn't it better to learn from our mistakes and try to improve things in the future? Kind of like what they do with software. Red Cross version 4.5 Or better yet, the United States of America version 17.76 I think we can do it. We just have to keep working and not give up. Don't get disillusioned. This is still a great country. And if we get involved, it can get even better.

I was listening to NPR this morning and I'm getting more and more anxious about the prospect of John Roberts becoming the next Supreme Court Justice. He is going to roll right in and reverse Roe v Wade. I just know it. And I'm not sure that people really understand the consequences of that.

First of all, I am NOT a proponent of abortion. I'm not sure anyone is. I am adopted so the idea of abortion is very difficult for me. It's not something that I could ever do. I am a big supporter of sex education as a preventative measure. Of course, most conservatives won't let us have that either. The main problem with saying that a woman does not have the right to decide what to do with her own body is that is sets a dangerous precedent. We could slide down that slippery slope to things like not being able to decide whether or not you can die with dignity. Or, in an extreme case, in Guatemala the government has been systematically sterilizing indigenous women. That is a perfect example of the government being able to decide what women can or cannot do with their own bodies. Do we really want to go down that road? How much personal autonomy does an individual have when it comes it his/her own body?

And do we want John Roberts to decide that for us?

So, the wedding planning continues. This is quite an undertaking as I knew it would be. But I just really want the chance to stand up with Gary in front of God and those dearest to us and make our vows to each other. I like the idea of having witnesses to that. Plus, it includes your loved ones in the whole process. I think we are going to make sure and have a part of the ceremony that asks our guests to make a vow with us. After all, you look to the people in your life to support and encourage you in everything you do, right?

We finally found a photographer and I'm pretty happy about it. If we can just get a florist and, most importantly, an officiant by the end of the year, then I will feel like we are in a good place. The officiant is kind of tough. We both really want an ordained minister but we need a ceremony that will reflect both of our beliefs. I think we can do it. It's just a matter of finding the time to interview all of these people. We found one woman we liked but she wanted $650 and that was just out of the question. There seems to be a real business in this whole officiant thing. Maybe that can be my new job. I'll get ordained online and start performing wedding ceremonies for $500 a pop. Sounds like fun.

Another baby arrival! My friends Dave and Lora just had their baby girl on Sept. 7.

Welcome to the world Grace Elizabeth! I can't wait to meet you!

Wow, Gary and I better jump on the baby wagon quick to keep up with the rest of you!

So, some days I work at the library when it is closed to catch up on some work and I love it. It's quiet and I can listen to NPR while I work. (I love NPR! You can learn so much from it. Especially on Science Fridays) Anyway, today I'm working on delivery and I just saw this CD called "Veggie Rocks!" Now, if you are familiar with VeggieTales you are going to love this. This CD has rockin' reinterpretations of famous VeggieTales song. Like one of my personal favorites, "I Love My Lips!" If you don't listen to the words, they almost sound like rock songs you would hear on the radio.

My friend Frank introduced me to VeggieTales in college and it caught on in our little group. I know it sounds crazy that a bunch of college students sat around watching VeggieTales but, hey, we were a unique group and VeggieTales are pretty great. Anyway, if you are a fan, definitely check out "Veggie Rocks!"

So, my uncle, who is right of conservative, sent me today not one...not two...but FOUR e-mails about how the President is getting a bad rap and he's doing a great job. Steam shot out of my head. But not why you think...

My uncle is the type of person to stick a yellow "Support Our Troops" ribbon on his SUV and be done with it. That, to him, is supporting our troops. There is nothing about sending them care packages or helping them to get home. Just driving around with a yellow ribbon on his car is enough. Just to say, "Hey, what a good patriot am I!"

Now, it appears that his idea of hurricane relief is to send out mass e-mails supporting the President. And it pisses me off. Instead of playing some political game about whose fault this is, why not concentrate on efforts to help the thousands of people and animals affected by this natural disaster? Do I think the President is doing a lousy job? Yes, I do. But then, I thought he did a lousy job with 9/11 too. HOWEVER, if the shoe were on the other foot and a Democrat were in office, the same game would be played. My uncle would be spending all of his time demonstrating how the President IS responsible and IS doing a terrible job. So, I choose not to play this ridiculous blame game.

My mother is a lifelong Democrat and she isn't out with a picket sign complaining about the President. She is out working 8 and 10 hour days at the Red Cross and Humane Society trying to help people. And I think that is an example we can all get behind no matter what side of the political fence we stand on.

So, I'm going to the Children's Hospital tonight for my new and improved storytime. We'll be having a theme for each month with stories and a craft. Tonight, we'll be doing "Reading is Fun!" with books about...books and a then a make-your-own bookmark craft. I hope the kids like it. This is part of my efforts as the Volunteer Opportunities Coordinator for the Board of Directors of the Young Fund. It's going pretty well and I'll be sorry to leave it in January. But I'm sure there will be more opportunities in California.

I leave tomorrow morning for California and I will return Monday night. Gary and I will be meeting with photographers and officiants. Hopefully, we'll be able to find an officiant that we both like. I am most concerned about finding an officiant right now. But I know it will all come together. Gary cleaned out the guest bedroom for me so now I have my own room and I can start organizing and outfitting it. That will be fun. I'm looking forward to starting to create my "nest" in CA. I'll let you know how the visit went when I return. Have a great Labor Day!

So, I have been trying to come up with a description of what depression feels like for me and I have finally come up with a lengthy metaphor. Here it goes....

I'm going down the road happy as a clam and all of a sudden I find myself in a long dark tunnel. It wasn't on the map. It seemed to appear out of nowhere. I try not to panic because I figure I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel soon but it is nowhere in sight. In the meantime, I discover that this tunnel is filled with a thick viscous pitch from roadwork. I get completely bogged down in it. I keep trying to fight my way forward but I'm held back by the muck I'm trapped in. I really want help. I want someone to come in and help me to pull myself out but at the same time I push them away because I don't want them to get pulled down by the muck as well. So, I keep slogging through the pitch trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, I hear people outside of the tunnel asking me how I got in there in the first place. And I get frustrated because I have no idea and I'm too busy trying to concentrate on getting out to explain the path I took to get in this mess. I just know that as long as I keep moving, I will eventually find my way out.

And that is what depression is like for me. I can almost see a Reign of Ellen cartoon with me in it covered in pitch with a grumpy look on my face.

So, I went over to the hospital over my lunch hour and met Mia. It was a good time to go because it was just me, Amy and Greg. Greg put Mia in my arms and I got to rock her for fifteen minutes. She's a beautiful baby. I can't wait to start reading books to her! It's gonna be really fun.

My friends Amy and Greg had their baby this morning and I am so happy and grateful that everyone is safe and healthy. Mia arrived early this morning and I can't wait to meet her. I hope to go over on my lunch hour to see them. It's kind of a tricky thing because you know the family is overwhelmed with their new arrival. Mom is recovering and everyone is tired. The last thing they want to do is to entertain guests trooping through their room demanding to see the baby. But heck, how many opportunities to I have to see a friend's baby the day it's born? I'll just make it a quick visit and hopefully I won't bother them too much. It will be so fun to see who she looks like. Welcome to the world, Mia!

My mom and Gary have helped me to work out the logistics of my move, so I'm feeling much better about that. However, I think my latest anxiety has to do with long-distance friendships.

I see my friends as family. And it makes me feel really upset to think about being separated from even more of them. It is so hard to keep in touch with people. My friend Brad who was my closest friend for many years has shut me out for some reason. I never hear from my friends Dave and Lora who moved away. (and Dave was my closest friend in Denver) I feel very removed from my friend Jennifer. I haven't seen my friend Ellen since college. And I guess I worry that this is going to happen with my friends here after I move. We'll stay in touch for awhile and then we'll quit corresponding and I'll cease to be a part of their lives. I'm going to miss seeing my friends' babies grow up. (Dave/Lora and Amy/Greg and Ellen/Jason) I'm going to miss seeing their new homes and sharing in their joys and sorrows. I'll just become this person they knew who lives in another state. And that causes me a lot of grief. And scares me. That my impact on the lives of others could be so small.

So, last Sunday was the series finale of "Six Feet Under." *spoiler alert*
It was a show I had a love/hate relationship with. I would often get frustrated with the characters. At how self-absorbed and whiny they could be. I'd quit watching for awhile and then I'd start up again. Maybe I didn't like it because I saw things in them that I didn't like in myself. But the show was well written and covered some pretty brave territory. I especially liked the character of David. The last show really shook me. I thought it was great but the last 5-10 minutes caught me by surprise. I like the fact that the show always brought death right to the forefront. It reminded us that death is a fact of life that we cannot escape from even though we try to ignore it. Seeing how each character eventually died gave all the viewers real closure. But it also reminded us yet again of the transience of life.

I have been working on reading the book "And Ladies of the Club" for the past year. I pick it up, read it for a few days, and then put it down again. It's a good book but it's difficult. It starts in 1868 with the formation of a women's club and ends in the late 1930's. You follow all of the characters in great detail, sharing their lives and joys and sorrows. The two main characters were 18 when the book started and now they are grandmothers. It kind of makes me melancholy in the way that the end of SIX FEET UNDER did. Why can't we just stay at our physical peak for the rest of our lives. Why do we all eventually have to turn youth over to others and face the breakdown of our bodies? Time is harsh. But then, we get to experience so many new and wonderful things as we age as well. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too much in my own head right now.

Have you ever wanted to read a newspaper article online but the website forced you to register before you could see it? Isn't that irritating? Well, my friend Greg turned me on to this website called Bug Me Not. You go to Bug Me Not and enter the name of the site requiring registration and it gives you a dummy log-in to use so you don't have to. I love it! It's the greatest thing since sliced bread! Give it a try...

So, I have been reading this book by Mark Helprin called "Freddy and Fredericka" and it's pretty funny. I'm about halfway through it. It gently pokes fun at the British monarchy with main characters in a sendup based on Charles and Diana. I have had it on our Staff Recommendations display for about two weeks and no one would touch it with a ten-foot pole. Yesterday, a review appeared in the Sunday Denver Post about the book giving it a good review. Within fifteen minutes of opening, people were calling in for the book. People won't listen to me but they will definitely come running if a journalist recommends it. Maybe I'm in the wrong business. I had no idea journalists wield so much power. Except for Oprah. She's so powerful that when she recommends a book, people become zombies and pour into libraries and bookstores requesting it. Wow. What I could do with that kind of book power!

So, Gary is finally here. We went out with our friends Sara and Greg to the Palm last night. It was so fun to get dressed up and go out with friends. We all shared lobster and it was delicious! It's too bad I have to work today. But Gary is helping me out by running errands for me. And we have all day tomorrow to be together.

Tomorrow is the final episode of "Six Feet Under." I'll kind of be sorry to see it go. Although, I always thought the Fishers were a pack of whiny selfish brats. And yet I couldn't keep myself from watching the show so I could see what happens next.

Let's talk about censorship.

I have noticed that this has been a big topic in libraries lately as different groups across the nation are calling for the removal of certain materials in public libraries. One of the most public right now is the call for the removal of certain Spanish language materials that have comic drawings of naked women in them. I have to say I find all of this somewhat amusing because I have seen much more questionable materials in public libraries than that. But I work in a library and I know that materials of a more mature nature and typically placed high up out of the hands of little ones. Now, I don't have kids so it probably isn't fair for me to say this, but I believe that it is the parents responsibility to decide what materials their children can see. If you are letting your child run around the library by themselves, well... I hate to say it but the library is not a childcare service. We can't monitor every child. And someday, Lord willing, if I have kids, I think I would be much more worried about them seeing a movie or book filled with extremely violent pictures than I would be about having them see a picture of a woman's bare breasts. Once you allow people to censor one item, it opens the floodgates to censorship of all types of items. And who gets to make these decisions for us?

I'm feeling better today. I think the fog around me is lifting. That's the odd thing about depression. You swim around in it not knowing where it came from or when it's leaving. And then...poof!...it's gone.

I had a nice weekend. I got to rest and spend some time with my buddy Sara and that really gave my spirits a boost. I feel like we are finally figuring out a plan for my big move. And now I get to look forward to Gary coming into town at the end of the week. And my favorite season, Autumn, is right around the corner! Maybe things are starting to make a turn for the better...

I have been officially crowned by Queen Frank! (Queen Ellen to most of you) I told her I'd make a better lady-in-waiting. But maybe after next July, I'll be ready to be Queen of my new domain. It's kind of weird to see myself without glasses now that I've had my laser eye surgery. I'm never getting rid of my mole, though, unless they make me.

I just found this book on the shelf and I think I'm going to read it. It's called "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases, and Coping." Hopefully, it will give me some good ideas on dealing with life right now. So far, I've learned (and this is probably obvious to most of you) that stress can lead to depression, anxiety and weight gain. All things I'm dealing with right now. So, maybe I'll get some good tips. If any of you know of any good techniques on dealing with stress or good books on stress or depression, let me know.

I feel really frustrated right now. You always here that employers value people who take initiative but I'm beginning to think that's not true.

I just handled an irate customer who had two overdue books that were due in early June. She had accrued the maximum fine. Theses items had a grace period of 39 days but she still couldn't get them in on time. Now, two months later, she brings them in and she's pissed that she has to pay a fine. She thinks the library should send phone calls and notices galore. We sent her one notice and she felt that wasn't enough. So, I tell her it's her responsibility to get things in on time and that even if she had returned them 39 days late she STILL wouldn't have had to pay a fine. But over two months late require a fine. So, she's pissed but she pays the fine. Then, my boss walks over and gives the woman back her money. Right in front of me. Thus, undermining anything that I had done. Thanks a lot. That is really supporting your staff.

So, I watched "Prozac Nation" last night which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I read the book years ago. The thing about the movie was that it reminded me a lot of myself. I haven't had a major depressive episode since college. And I've never had to use medication to pull myself out of it. (not that there is anything wrong with that, Tom Cruise! I think meds have their merits) Therapy has always been a bust for me. But I still have small depressive episodes now and then. Like this week. I think I am just feeling overwhelmed. Wedding planning, volunteering on four committees, hating my job, etc. And I haven't seen any of my friends in two weeks. Part of the problem is that I just don't have a lot of friends here. I tend to have only a few close friends in keeping with my personality. And that's great. But it makes it difficult when you feel the need to socialize and be with other people and they are all too busy. I'm not really complaining. My friends are busy and have big things going on in their lives. But I just feel really lonely right now. And it is made worse by this depression that has settled in. And it is so hard to describe to someone. Gary tries to get me to explain why I feel depressed and I can't. I can't pinpoint something specific. It's just a general ennui...or malaise. I feel like I'm underwater. But I'm still functioning. And that's a good thing. At least I manage to get out of bed everyday. I consider that a personal triumph. And I'm starting to pull out of it. I think all of these life changes are just getting to me right now.

When I was in high school, a teacher had each of us take the Myers-Briggs personality test in order to sort us into groups. At that time, I was an INXJ. I was evenly split between sensing and feeling, hence the "x." Now that my personality is set, I am an INFJ. It's kind of interesting how accurate this test seems to be. This describes my personality:

http://typelogic.com/infj.html

Hmmm....

By the way, I'm slowly coming out of my mood. If only I didn't have to work. It's raining and I just want to hole up in my house with movies and books and not talk to anyone except my cat.

I feel like the main character in "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very Bad Day." Only instead of a day, it's a week. But things always turn out in the end.

My mood has not improved one iota today so I have decided to leave off of blogging for the next few days because I don't have anything positive to say and it's no fun to read a whiney negative blog. So, once my mood lifts, I'll be back...

I heard this song recently and it kind of describes where I am in my life right now. It's called "No Sign of It" by Natalie Grant:

"It's a long wait at the gate
just to glimpse your fate
just to see whether it all works out
It's a long road, a heavy load
You gotta really want to go
and just let the others walk around you now

up and down again
but this time it's different
it took some waiting to straighten out the bend
In and out of luck
yeah at times it was difficult
I got a new life baby, It takes some getting used to but...

Chorus:
No sign of any rain
My skies are clear today
I keep bracing for that hit
But there's no sign of it
No obstacles in sight
My skies are clear tonight (My skies are full of light)
I keep thinking I might see that cloud arrive
Oh but there's no sign of it
No sign of it

And as I look around, it's all new ground
the leaves on the trees touch down
But I'm above weightless as a dream
It's been a long road, a heavy load
I just simply had to go
Had to get here hard as it's been
In and out of luck
yeah at time it was difficult
I got a new life baby, it just takes some getting used to..."


I think I'm gonna make it.

In my effort not to be grumpy, I'm trying to think of something positive to blog about. Our friend Muffin just got voted Best Artist in the Bay Area by the readers of San Francisco magazine. Gary and I already own two of her paintings. Gary gave me this one for my birthday. It's called the "Rejoiced Heart."

I have a nasty grumpy gremlin inside of me today. I feel tired and achy and I have very little patience with anyone today. I am the absolute worst version of myself. I come in this morning to work and find out I have to the bilingual storytime again. Normally, I don't mind but I don't feel well today and it takes some preparation to get it together. But I did it. Then, my co-worker called out sick again. She has called out continuously for three weeks so far and counting. Evidently, she is suffering from carpel tunnel syndrome. Now, I'm not saying that this isn't a real complaint. I have had wrist problems because of this job and I know it can hurt. But she is even calling out for her shifts that don't require shelving. In the meantime, no one can get vacation approved because we are short staffed. I know I shouldn't be impatient and angry about this situation but I really am. I feel like she is letting us all down. And I know part of this is my general grumpiness. I feel a little depressed. And for no particular reason either. I think if I could just stay in bed for a few days, I would feel better. But I can't because they need me at work. My co-worker has already called out for tomorrow. And I would be willing to bet money we don't see her at all this week.

Here is a quotation I found on an Intelligent Design website:

"The theory of intelligent design (ID) holds that certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause rather than an undirected process such as natural selection. ID is thus a scientific disagreement with the core claim of evolutionary theory that the apparent design of living systems is an illusion."

Basically, it is a way for Christians to try and reconcile evolution and religion. The idea is that evolution is accepted as a theory with the understanding that it is guided by a divine hand. That there is an intelligence behind the design. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this theory. HOWEVER, it has become politicized and some people see it as a way to get religion into the science classroom.

Okay, this is too good not to share.

I was railing about my last blog entry and getting really worked up. Okay, to be truthful I lost my temper. I was stomping about thinking about how frustrated I am trying to reconcile my faith with the rest of my life and then I started worrying about how Gary and I are going to cope with this problem since we have different ideas about faith.

Well, my iPod was running on shuffle play of my Eighties mix and at that moment, "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar came on. That brought an amused smile to my face. Then, as I tried to cling to my grumpiness about faith issues, "Higher Love" by Steve Winwood came on followed by "Tenderness" by General Public. Then, it played "Never Surrender" by Corey Hart and "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey.

Okay God. Message received.

I've been listening to NPR today and there has been a segment about religion and science. This seems to be coming up more and more lately so I feel that I need to state my position on this subject as clearly as I can and hopefully I won't be too inarticulate.

First of all, do I believe that God created the world?
Yes, I do. As a Christian, I believe that there is a divine origin to all things. God created everything and set into motion all processes.

Second of all, do I believe in evolution?
Absolutely. Evidence of evolution is all around us. I worked in a Nature and Science museum and helped to teach about this process. However, I also believe that evolution is not exclusive of divine origin. I believe God set this process into motion and that is part of His plan.

Third, do I support the Intelligent Design movement?
No, I do not. Not because I don't believe that they make some valid points but because I think the ultimate goal of this movement is to promote a right-wing agenda and force opinions into schools and onto individuals. If we allow this set of beliefs into schools, why not allow Hindu, Buddhist, Native American, Muslim and other creation theories as well. We could easily get bogged down into trying to represent everyone's beliefs and ideas about creation. Everyone has his/her theories about this. And I don't believe that is wrong. There is no solid proof about any particular creation theory, even evolution. But I think that because evolution has some solid evidence that can be verified through tests and observation, it is reasonable to teach that in a scientific setting. It is not reasonable to include theories that are based on faith within a school setting. It would only promote strife and division among children.

Fourth, do I believe other theories besides evolution should be taught in schools?
As a follow-up to my previous response, at this time I would have to say no. Faith-based theories can be taught at home and in a faith setting such a church. This is how I learned about divine design and it did not shake my faith at all to be exposed to evolution in schools. I firmly believe in a separation of church and state. Our Founding Fathers wanted to build a nation where people were free to live their lives as they saw fit without a government dictating to them what they can or cannot believe. I believe the greatest failing of the Republican right is its attempt to only promote one religious agenda within a political setting that seeks to alienate all people who do not agree or think as they do. These are not the principles on which our country was founded and these types of agendas only serve to separate us instead of unite us.

Quite honestly, I am sick to death of this subject because I think that it, like so many other faith-based subjects, gets people too focused on a micro issue to the point that a macro view is sacrificed. We as Christians have a lot more important things to worry about than whether or not we evolved from apes. Do you think it really matters to your neighbor whether or not he/she is a product of evolution when he/she is starving and can't afford decent heathcare for his/her children? Instead of sitting around arguing about inconsequential issues, we should focus on following Jesus' example of loving and helping our neighbors and trying to create a heaven on earth where all people are loved and valued.

You scored as Hermione Granger. You're one intelligent witch, but you have a hard time believing it and require constant reassurance. You are a very supportive friend who would do anything and everything to help her friends out. Hermione Granger 85% Albus Dumbledore 80% Remus Lupin 75% Ron Weasley 70% Sirius Black 70% Ginny Weasley 55% Harry Potter 55% Draco Malfoy 55% Severus Snape 40% Lord Voldemort 15% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

So, I helped host a baby shower yesterday. I think it went pretty well. I just hope everyone had a good time. We didn't have any traditional games so I hope people weren't disappointed. It's always fun to have a party, though. And I like having people in my house.

I've realized something lately. Married people like to hang out with other married people. I think this is why I have so much trouble making new friends. Because everyone my age is either married or pregnant or both. When you meet someone new as a married person and find out he/she is married, it's easy to say, "Hey, why don't you and your spouse come over to our place for dinner." But it seems odd when you do that as a single person. Not only that, but you don't get many invitations from married people when you are single. It's like they think you'll be uncomfortable being the only single person. I have been lucky that my married friends tend to include me in things. But it seems like the older you get, the harder it is to meet people. I hope I'll be able to make new friends in California. It will be tough not having my buddies around me.

Okay, I have a gripe. I have been wanting to get some new technical clothing for hiking and climbing. They have had good sales at all the stores lately so I thought I'd check them out. My first stop was the North Face store. Now, in the regular retail world, I usually wear a 10 or 12 in bottoms. Today, I'm wearing a pair of size 12 pants from Urban Outfitters and they are baggy.

Well...

At the North Face store, I stocked up on shorts and pants in size 12 and couldn't get a single pair to even come up to my waist. They were too small. And they didn't have any bigger sizes. So, I went down and checked out the sale at EMS. Again, I grabbed pants and shorts in size 12. I even grabbed a pair of North Face shorts in a size 14. Well, all the size 12 items wouldn't even go up to my waist. The size 14 would go on but I had to suck in to get the shorts closed. There were no sizes larger than 12 in any of the other items. I finally gave up.

Do they just think...."oh, you're a fatty so you don't need technical clothing"...at these stores? Honestly, what is the deal? I know I'm a big girl but don't I deserve to be able to find clothes in reasonable sizes? It just makes me feel bad.

My friend Ellen of The Reign of Ellen (aka Frank) has done it again. She wrote this terrific primer on depression in response to crazy Tom Cruise and it is brilliant. I'm so lucky to have such creative friends.

Check it out:

http://www.thereignofellen.com/blog/depression_primer

I took my first climbing lesson last night and had a blast! My friend Gary went with me as my new climbing partner. I was so enthusiastic to get up on that wall but when I did...I was scared to death! I made it up the wall fairly quickly but once I was on the ground, I was shaking all over. It' higher up than you think! And some of those footholds are really tiny!

But after it was all over, I felt very empowered by the experience. I like it that you have to trust your partner to watch out for you. And I like the whole mental aspect of it all. You have to really concentrate on where to put your hands and feet and plan your route. It makes you forget about everything else. And you feel really self-reliant when you make it to the top. Like you accomplished something. At one point on my second run, I didn't think I could make it. I felt I wasn't strong enough. But I gave one last big effort and managed to get to the top. And I was so proud of myself.

I really look forward to going again. It's a very empowering sport.

Harry Potter is out! I was at our local Barnes and Noble from 9pm-1am trying to solicit donations for the Children's Hospital. Overall, it went really well. I got to talk to a lot of people and hand out lots of literature about the Hospital. I also got about 15 book donations. One teenage girl only had $2 left over after buying her Harry Potter book and she wanted to donate it to the Hospital because "the Children's Hospital saved my life." Another 12-yr-old made three different book donations to me over the course of the evening. It was really inspiring.

I also enjoyed seeing all the different kinds of people that were there from the book release. There were a surprising number of teenagers and college students. The best thing I saw that night was two adult Indian men still dressed in their suits from work. They were both wearing Harry Potter glasses and looking as serious as can be. I loved it. People were so festive and dressed in costume. One staff member made a terrific Professor Trelawney and one customer was dressed as Sirius Black complete with Azkaban prisoner number across his chest. It was a lot of fun. It is so nice to see people get excited about a book for a change. Especially since most people at the library only care about movies.